Two Prostitutes and a Baby
1 Kings 3
One day, two prostitutes, named Rahab and Lilith, came to King Solomon to ask for his judgement in a delicate matter. Rahab was weeping bitterly, while Lilith carried a baby boy, all bundled up in swaddling clothes.
17 ‘I’m sorry to bother you, my lord,’ began Rahab, ‘but this woman and I live in the same house, and we both gave birth around the same time…’
‘Nobody has more respect for women than me,’ interrupted Solomon, growing flustered and eyeing the baby warily. ‘As I have often said, I'm not the father. And while you’re both extremely unattractive women, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct. But there was no canoodling. None.’
‘The babies aren’t yours!’ protested the women.
‘Oh,’ replied Solomon. Then, sidling over to Rahab, he said, ‘You’re a young and beautiful piece of ass. In a couple of years, I’ll be dating you.’
18 ‘What?’ she exclaimed, stepping back. ‘We’re here to talk about what this woman did! 19 She rolled over in the night and squished her son to death. 20 Then she crept into my room while I was sleeping and took my son and swapped him with her dead son. 21 The next morning, I could tell immediately that it wasn’t my son.’
22 ‘I did not!’ screamed Lilith. ‘It’s not my fault that your son died!’
‘He didn’t just die,’ spat Rahab, ‘he was flattened! There was blood everywhere!’
‘Babies explode all the time!’ retorted Lilith. ‘Get over it!’
‘Explode? You’re fucking mental!’
23 Just then, Solomon stepped between the two women. ‘Hey!’ he yelled. ‘I will tell you what... this fat pig says, “My son is alive, yours is dead,” and that other one says, “No, my son is alive, yours is dead.” I have much better judgment than she does... I went to Ivy League schools.’
‘Who the hell are you calling…’ began Lilith.
24 Solomon ignored her and yelled to his steward, ‘We have a real problem here. I have a plan. The best plan. 25 Fetch a sword and cut the child in two. But look, give one half to that woman, and the other half to that woman. I will be phenomenal to the women. I mean, I want to help the women.’
The steward took the baby from Lilith and left to fetch a sword as instructed.
26 Rahab, who was really the mother of the child, rushed forwards and cried, ‘No, please, my lord! Give her the baby! I’d rather her have him than see him harmed!’
Lilith smiled and said, ‘Half a baby’s better than no baby.’
27 ‘Give the child to that one!’ declared Solomon, gesturing to Lilith. ‘And by the way, don’t kill him. What I'm saying is, she’s clearly the mother. It’s true! I mean, look, she does have a very nice figure.’
The steward shrugged and went to hand the baby to Lilith.
‘No!’ screamed Rahab, rushing forwards. But the guards restrained her.
Solomon pointed to Rahab and said, ‘That crooked woman is the worst (and biggest) loser of all time. She just can’t stop!’ He turned to Rahab and chided, ‘Get on with your life and give it another try in three years!’
28 When Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they were in awe of his wisdom, because, they said, ‘he has indeed been appointed by God.’