Solomon's Yuge Gift
1 Kings 3
Now King Solomon married Ivana, the daughter of the king of Egypt, in order to form an alliance with Pharaoh, and he brought her to the City of David where he was building his palatial tower and a wall around Jerusalem to keep out the illegal immigrants.
2 At this time, the people were still making sacrifices at the high places outside of Jerusalem, and Solomon, wanting to bring worship back to Jerusalem and make it great again, decided to build a temple for the Name of the Lord. 3 Though this was his official policy, he personally was still outsourcing his worship to the high places.
4 On one particular day, Solomon went to Gibeon, which was the most important high place, and offered a thousand burnt offerings on its altar. After he’d finished making his offerings, he passed out from exhaustion and fell into a deep sleep.
5 As he slept, the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘I am pleased with the dead animals you grilled up for me. One thousand, wow! Nicely done!’
Solomon answered, ‘A lot of people are saying there is nobody bigger or better at sacrifices than I am. Everybody’s talking about it.’
‘Er… right,’ groaned the Lord. ‘Anyway, I’ve decided to give you a gift to reward you for your offering. What would you like?’
6 ‘You had a tremendous success with my father. He’s the most successful person ever to be king, by far. Nobody's ever been more successful than him. He was the most successful person ever to rule. My brother Adonijah wasn't successful like him. 7 You showed him phenomenal kindness by making me, his son, king. 8 I’m here ruling over your chosen people, tremendous people, the best people. But when you look at this tremendous sea of love - I call it a "sea of love" - it's really something special. 9 Throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart... I went from very successful prince, to King of Israel (on my first try). Who else would be able to govern this great people of yours?’
10 The Lord sighed and shook his head. 11 Then he said, ‘Since you haven’t asked for anything, not even long life, wealth, or common sense.’ He sighed again. 12 ‘I’ve decided to give you something you sorely need: a brain. 13 Also, because you cooked me up that massive barbecue like a good little sycophant, I’ll give you riches and honour. 14 And as long as you do what I tell you like your father did, I won’t kill you.’
15 Solomon awoke in a cold sweat and after a moment, he realised it had been a dream. And with that, he returned to Jerusalem where he stood before the Ark of the Covenant and sacrificed some more burnt offerings. Then he ate a feast with his courtiers.