How to Feed a Fat King
1 Kings 4
The people of Judah and Israel were as the grains of sand on the seashore. They ate, drank, and were merry. 21 Solomon ruled over the kingdoms from the Euphrates to Philistia and as far south as Egypt. They were made to bring tributes to him and be his subjects for the rest of his life.
22 On a daily basis, Solomon would eat thirty tons of the finest flour and sixty tons of corn, 23 ten stall-fed cows, twenty pasture-fed cows, and a hundred sheep and goats, plus deer, gazelles, roebucks, and fatted fowls. 24 He ruled over all of the kingdoms on the west of the Euphrates from Tiphsah to Gaza, and the nation was at peace. 25 Everyone in Judah and Israel lived safely under vines or fig trees instead of houses.
26 Solomon had forty thousand stalls for horses and their chariots and twelve thousand horsemen, 27 who all ate at the king’s table, even the horses. 28 Needless to say, his table was huge!
29 God gave Solomon about as much wisdom and insight as a pile of sand on the beach, 30 though Solomon himself said that he was smarter than all of the people of the East, especially those shithole countries. 31 He claimed wisdom greater than Hillary the Clinton, and He-Man, Skeletor and Man-At-Arms the sons of Eternia. His name was known far and wide. Mostly wide.
32 He had three thousand sayings and used to sing himself little songs. 33 He spoke of many matters of which he had no understanding, including plants, trees, and those little creepy crawly things that crawl on them, although he could name almost all of the animals in Baby’s First Animal Book. 34 People came from all over the world to hear him speak, whether they wanted to or not.