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MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Noah's Arc

Table of Nicknames

Genesis 10

After the flood, Noah’s sons had sons too (and probably daughters, though they’re not mentioned).

2 The sons of Japheth were Gonad, ManLog, MuffPie, Javelin, Tuba, MeatStick, and ThirdEye. 3 The sons of Gonad were AssNGash, RibTickler, and Todger. 4 The sons of Javelin were El Shaft, Tushy, Kitty, and Do-dad. 5 By these, the coastland of the Genitals was settled.

6 The sons of Ham were Chop, Marinade, Pork and Gammon.

7 The sons of Chop were Sever, Hack, Saw, Ravage and Stab.

The sons of Ravage were Seize and Despoil.

8 Chop was the father of Nimrod, who became a mighty warrior on the Earth, 9 which is why it is said of him, ‘Chop was the father of Nimrod, who became a mighty warrior on the Earth.’

10 The first cities of his kingdom were Babble, Murmur, Gabber and Chatter in Chitchat. 11 From that land he went to Assyria, where he built Nirvana, Rhapsody, Calm 12 and Respite, which is between Nirvana and Calm - it’s a great state.

13 Marinade was the father of Louis, Au Jus, La Hollandaise, Noisette, 14 Pesto, Ketchup (from whom the Fry Sauce came), and Café de Paris.

15 Gammon was the father of Siddown and Shuddup, and of Hit-me-up, 16 Jesuswept, Amiright, Gobshite, 17 Hi-five, Ark-at-him, S’alright, 18 Imashite, Yourashite and Havashite.

19 So, the Gammony tribes spread out and filled the land of Gammon. 20 And that’s it for the sons of Ham, 21 now onto the sons of Shem.

22 The sons of Shem were Elbow, Asshole, AFaceHair, Lugs, and Armpit.

23 The sons of Armpit were Dove, Hollister, Gillette, and Axe Body Spray

24 AFaceHair was the father of Sideburn who was the father of Eyebrow.

25 Two sons were born to Eyebrow: one was named Pegleg, because his leg had been amputated, and his brother was named JockItch, because... well, you can guess.

26 JockItch was the father of Lymphoedema, Sepsis, Haemophilia, Jaundice, 27 Hansens, Diphtheria, 28 Ebola, Bulimia, Shingles, 29 OvarianCyst, Hayfever, and GORD. 30 Needless to say, the region where they lived was ravaged by disease.

31 So, those are all of Shem’s sons. 32 And they infested the world after the flood.


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