MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Jacob

Seven Years for One Cousin

Genesis 29

Jacob continued his journey towards Haran, and entered the land of the eastern peoples, who lived in Assyria in the north. 2 He found himself in a field with a well in the middle surrounded by three flocks of sheep. 3 The well was covered with a big stone that had to be rolled away in order to let the sheep drink.

4 Jacob asked them, ‘My brothers, where are you from?’

‘Bah!’ replied the sheep.

So, Jacob decided to go and find the shepherds. When he found them, he asked, ‘My brothers, where are you from?’

‘We’re from Haran,’ they replied.

5 ‘Do you know Laban, Nahor’s son?’

‘No, but we know a Laban, son of Bethuel.’

6‘Oh, yeah, that’s the one,’ replied Jacob. ‘For a moment there, I forgot my own family tree. How’s the old guy doing?’

‘Oh, he’s fine. Though, they say his daughter comes with the sheep.’

7 ‘Eww!’ exclaimed Jacob. ‘Anyway, why don’t you let your sheep drink some water and give them some food?’

8 ‘Why don’t you mind your own business?’ spat the shepherds.

9 Just then, his cousin Rachel arrived with her father’s sheep. 10 When Jacob saw her, he rolled the stone away from the well for her, and all the sheep in the field came running.

‘Look what you’ve done now!’ cried the shepherds.

11 Jacob rushed to Rachel and kissed her, and then he began to weep loudly.

‘Why are you crying?’ asked Rachel.

‘When I kissed you, I put my lips in something white and sticky.’

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ replied Rachel, ‘it’s nothing gross.’

Jacob breathed a sigh of relief.

Rachel continued, ‘It’s just sheep semen.’

Jacob started spitting and wiping his mouth furiously. 12 Later, Jacob told Rachel who he was, so she ran away.

13 When Laban heard that Jacob his nephew had arrived, he hurried to meet him. 14 He scooped him up in his arms and spun him around, saying, ‘You’ve grown so big!’

15 After Jacob had been staying with him for a month, Laban said to him, ‘Just because you’re a relative, don’t think you can get off without working.’

‘Okay,’ replied Jacob, ‘But you’ll have to pay me.’

‘What do you want?’

‘I want to fuck your daughter!’

16 ‘Fair enough,’ replied Laban. ‘I was hoping that you’d take a fancy to one of my daughters. I was starting to worry that they’d end up in a non-incestuous relationship. If you work for me for seven years, I’ll let you boink the daughter of your choice.’

17 Now Laban had two daughters called Leah and Rachel. 18 Leah had tender eyes, but Rachel had massive tits, a skinny waist, and an arse you could bounce a shekel off. 19 So when Laban asked him which daughter he’d like to fuck, Jacob picked Rachel, because he was ‘in love’ with her.

20 So seven long sexless years went by, which felt like an eternity to Jacob, for he had such a boner for Rachel.

21 Jacob ran to Laban and said, ‘Give me your daughter! I’ve waited seven years, I want some nookie!’

But Laban replied, ‘No, you’ll have to marry her first.’

‘Aww, for fuck’s sake!’ groaned Jacob.

22 Laban held a huge ceremony and invited everyone in the land. Much to Jacob’s annoyance, the bride was kept under a veil the whole time.

23 That night, Laban sent his daughter Leah to Jacob’s tent. Jacob dragged her inside, and spent the night making crazy monkey love to her.

24 When morning came, Rachel was standing outside the tent looking angry.

Jacob cried to her, ‘Oh no! Even though Leah looks nothing like you, and she said, “But I’m not Rachel,” several times while I was frogging her, I accidentally screwed her.’

25 So Jacob went to Laban to complain. ‘Jesus, dude! I wanted to fuck Rachel!’

26 ‘It’s not our custom to give the younger before the firstborn,’ replied Laban in passive-aggressive reference to Jacob stealing his elder brother’s blessing. ‘Besides, it was Leah under the veil that whole time, so you’re legally married to her. 27 Finish her bridal week, and I’ll let you have Rachel too, but you’ll have to work for me for another seven years.’

28 Jacob did as he was asked, and Laban gave his slave Zilpah to Leah as a wedding gift.

29 When the week was over, Laban made Jacob marry Rachel too, and he gave her his slave Bilhah as a wedding present. 30 Jacob made wild passionate love to Rachel; in fact, he loved her twice as hard as he had Leah.

And Jacob worked for Laban for seven years, during which time Rachel abstained from sex to give her shattered pelvis time to recover.


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