Judah and Tamar: or Two Deaths and a Prostitute
At that time, Judah left his parents’ house and shacked up with an Adullamite man named Hirah. 2 While he was living there, he met a Canaanite man named Shua who had a daughter with no name. For convenience sake, let’s call her Judith. 3 So anyway, Judah married Judith and he got her pregnant, first try.
Now Judah had never seen a woman giving birth before, so when Judith was in labour, he took one look at her downstairsy business and said, ‘er!’
Judith found this so funny that she decided to name their son Er as a reminder.
4 Once Judith had recovered from giving birth, and Judah could stomach looking at her after seeing another human shooting out of her slip ‘n slide, they had sex again, and had another son who they named Onan.
5 After a decade or so, Judah was willing to sleep with his wife again, and they conceived another son called Shelah. They were living at Kezib at that time, by the way.
6 When Er came of age, Judah went out bought him a wife named Tamar. 7 Unfortunately, Er did something to offend the Lord, so the Lord got pissed off and killed him. Nobody knows for sure exactly what Er did, but, admittedly, the Lord was going through a homicidal phase, so it could have been something as arbitrary as picking up sticks on the wrong day.
8 After Er died, Judah said to Onan, ‘Look, I paid small fortune for Tamar, and I’d hate to see her go to waste, so you can have her.’
9 So Onan went and banged Tamar, but when finished, he wiped his cock on the curtains. 10 This was enough to incur the Lord’s wrath, so he killed him also.
11 Now Judah went to Tamar and said, ‘Look, I paid small fortune for you, and I don’t want you to go to waste. However, Shelah is only five, so I can’t give you to him… yet. Why don’t you go move back in with your parents, and I’ll call for you when Shelah’s voice breaks?’
12 A few decades later, after Shelah’s voice had finally broken, Judith died. Now Judah was free to take up old hobbies, so he planned a trip to Timnah with his friend Hirah to go sheep shagging.
13 When Tamar was told, ‘Your father-in-law is off fucking sheep again,’ she decided she would go and give him a piece of her mind for not passing her off to Shelah. 14 However, she knew that as she was his property, he would kill her if he knew it was her. So, she decided to go in disguise.
15 When Judah saw Tamar, he thought she was a prostitute, for she was wearing a boob tube and hot pants. 16 So he went over to her and said, 17 ‘Would you fuck me for a goat?’
18 ‘I’d rather have your staff with your seal on it, so that I can blackmail you later,’ she replied.
So, Judah gave it to her, and she conceived. 19 When they were finished, Tamar rushed home to put her regular clothes back on.
20 When Judah got home, he decided that the sex was so good, he’d send her a goat after all. So, he sent Hirah out to look for her. 21 After hours of searching, Hirah couldn’t find a prostitute anywhere; he’d even tried all the local strip clubs. 22 So since she was nowhere to be seen and he’d run out of animals to tip strippers with, 23 he went back to tell Judah that he’d completed the transaction.
24 Three months later, rumours had started to circulate that Tamar had got herself knocked up turning tricks for goats. Inevitably, the news reached Judah, and he was furious.
‘Bring her out and burn her!’ he declared.
25 So an angry mob gathered to drag Tamar out of her parents’ house. As soon as she was outside, Tamar shouted, ‘Judah is the baby daddy! I have his staff with his seal on it!’
26 Judah looked, and behold, his staff was in her hand. When asked to comment, he simply said, ‘Shit.’
27 Now it turned out that Tamar was having twin boys. 28 As she was giving birth, one of them stuck his hand out of her vajayjay. Seeing this, the midwife screamed, and shrieked, ‘It has five legs! I’ll tie this scarlet thread around them, and maybe they’ll drop off.’
29 No sooner had she tied the thread around his wrist than the boy pulled his hand back in. This gave his brother the advantage, and pretty soon, he managed to weasel his way to freedom. For this reason, Tamar named him Ferret. A little while later, his twin was born, with the scarlet thread still tied to his wrist. The midwife realised that she’d been mistaken about him having five legs, but he had given her a terrible fright. So, Tamar named him Terror.