Today marks the anniversary of our breakup 243 years ago. We’re not bitter or anything, in fact, after you left, we hooked up with a new beau called the EU. Unfortunately, we’re going through a messy divorce with them right now. But that’s not why we’re getting in touch now; it’s not a rebound thing.
Look, we’re kind of concerned over this Trump guy you’ve been seeing. We know, it’s none of our business, but we still care, and we do worry. None of the other countries like him. He’s been nothing but a boorish self-important dick at all of the international parties.
When you left us, you said you needed your freedom. You had all of these great ideas about being open to people of all kinds, being a freethinker, and making a name for yourself. We feel as though this new guy is dragging you down and trying to get you to close off to the world. Also, we’ve heard rumours that he’s been in bed with Russia behind your back!
All we’re saying is, on this, the anniversary of our breakup, while you’re celebrating your independence, maybe you could also use this time to reflect on the reasons you wanted to separate in the first place. Hopefully, the next guy you hook up with (or woman, it’s the 21st century after all) will be better for you and be willing to support you in your goals.
Love and kisses,