The Beginning

Guest story by Byron the Cosmic Goat.


Lucifer: “Hey God.”

God: “Oh, Hi Lucifer, I figured you’d be here.”

Lucifer: “Ya, I suppose you did.”

God: “My apologies, this ‘all knowing’ thing is a terrible bother.”

Lucifer: “It’s ok. So, what have you been up to? You know, me not being ‘all-knowing’ and all.”

God: “Well, I made a universe!”

Lucifer: “A what?”

God: “A universe. You know, big empty-looking thing full of planets, stars, galaxies, and that sort of thing.”

Lucifer: “Right. Well, what’s it for?”

God: “Well, it’s pretty big, frankly it’s a damn sight bigger than I was planning, so I’m going to ignore basically all of it and focus all my efforts and attention on this one little planet over here. I called it ‘Earth’.”

Lucifer: “Earth? Doesn’t that mean ‘dirt’?”

God: “Well, yes. Yes, it does but that’s okay there’s nothing there at the moment. I’m still planning things.”

Lucifer: “Planning? Things? What sort of things are you planning?”

God: “Well, I thought it might be interesting to populate the place with things that look a little bit like the lower Angels, minus the scary as hell faces and wings and whatnot.”

God: “Oh, and these things.”

[God holds up a small collection of animals]

Lucifer: “Oh. Well, that’s interesting. What are you calling these ‘things’?”

God: “That’s a good question. I thought I might introduce the non-angels—I’m calling them ‘humans’ for now, working title and all that. Anyhow, I thought I’d make a few for starters and see how it goes.”

Lucifer: “That sounds, well, sound.”

God: “Yes. It does. Although I can already see that I’m going to be very disappointed and annihilate the lot.”

Lucifer: “How’s that?”

God: “Well, look at them! They positively reek of disappointment, don’t they?”

[Lucifer leans over and sniffs over the table surface]

Lucifer: “They do seem a little off. What did you make them with?”

God: “Well, about that. Dirt and a little blood.”

Lucifer: “How much blood?”

God: “Just a few drops.”

Lucifer: “A few drops? It smells positively rancid. A few drops from whom?”

God: “No one per-se, I conjured it up out of thin air. You know ‘omnipotence’ and all that.”

Lucifer: “Might’ve been a bit heavy on the blood. It’s going off in the sun.”

God: [Sniffs] “You’re right.”

[God smites it all into non-existence and with a sigh of weariness starts all over again]

Lucifer: “Not easy coming up with that sort of thing. Going to give it another go, this time with less blood?”

God: “Might as well, lots of time on my hands, and I’m bored as fuck. If I can get this to work, I can have these ‘humans’ act out my innermost violent fantasies away from the prying eyes of the other Gods.”

Lucifer: “Good plan.”

To be continued.

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