God is Kinda Rapey
On his way to Canaan, Jacob saw some angels playing football. ‘Well, you don’t see that every day,’ he said to himself. 2 So, he named the place Mahanaim, which means, ‘Well, you don’t see that every day’.
3 Now, Jacob and his family were approaching Mount Seir in the land of Edom, and he knew that he might run into his brother Esau who was living there at the time, 4 so he sent messengers ahead to check if Esau still wanted to murder him. 5 He instructed them, ‘Tell him I’m rich. Surely he won’t kill me if he thinks I’m rich.’
6 When the messengers returned, they told Jacob, ‘Your brother is coming, and he’s got 400 men with him. We think he’s going to kick your arse!’
‘Shit shit shit!’ muttered Jacob as he ran back and forth in a fluster. ‘I’m dead. I’m fucking dead!’
7 In a blind panic, Jacob started furiously dividing all the people who were with him into three groups. When he had finally settled on who went where, he smiled and said, ‘Okay, got it. Fuck, marry, kill.’
‘That’s not what we’re doing right now!’ scolded Leah climbing off her camel. ‘You’re supposed to be figuring out a way to defend us against your brother!’
‘One, there’s a reason you’re in the “kill” group, Little Miss Naggy-breeches,’ began Jacob.
Leah rolled her eyes.
8 ‘Two,’ he continued, ‘each group can go in different directions. If one group is attacked, the other two will survive.’
Leah climbed back on her high horse, I mean camel.
9 Jacob got down on his knees and began to pray, 10 ‘Dear God, I know that I am nothing but a mewling earthworm in your sight, but please, let Leah’s group be the one that’s attacked. 11 I mean, it was your idea for me to go back home, 12 and you are supposed to be looking out for me.’
13 Then Jacob decided to send a gift to Esau: 14 200 female goats, 20 male goats, 200 ewes, 20 rams, 15 30 female camels with their young, 40 cows, 10 bulls, 20 female donkeys, and 10 male donkeys. 16 He put them in a sack and said, ‘Beat that, Noah!’ 17 Then he said to his slaves, ‘Give this to Esau. 18 Tell him it’s from me, and that I love him.’
19 Then he thought to himself, ‘Hopefully, this will stop Esau from kicking the shit out of me.’
20 So, Jacob’s slaves went ahead with the sack of animals. 21 Meanwhile, Jacob told his wives and kids to leave so that he could have some quiet time. 22 They agreed, and crossed the bridge of the Jabberwock with all of their stuff, leaving Jacob alone.
23 That night, as he lay sleeping, a random man pounced on him and started trying to pull off his underwear. 24 Jacob awoke with a start, and began to furiously try to shake the man off his leg. 25 In the struggle, the man managed to dislocate Jacob’s hip. This really pissed him off, so he climbed on top of the man, and started to smash his face repeatedly on the ground.
By sunrise, Jacob was sitting on the man exhausted.
26 ‘Please, let me go!’ cried the man.
But Jacob replied, ‘I won’t let you go unless you give me your Lucky Charms!’
‘I’m not a fucking leprechaun!’
‘Oh,’ replied Jacob. ‘Then why were you trying to rape me?’
‘I wasn’t trying to rape you!’ hissed the man.
‘But you were going for my junk!’
‘Well, this is embarrassing,’ replied the man awkwardly. ‘You know how sometimes people write their name in their underwear?’
‘I was trying to find out what your name is.’
Jacob was unimpressed. ‘You could have just asked…’
27 ‘Okay, what’s your name?’
28 ‘Well, your name is now Israel, because you spent the night wrestling God.’
‘Wait, you’re God?’
‘Yeah,’ replied the man who was actually God in disguise.
29 ‘You prick!’ yelled Jacob. ‘You already know my name! That was all very unnecessary and convoluted!’
30 So, Jacob called the place Perineum, 31 and he limped off after his family. 32 That’s why, to this day, the Israelites check under their bed for God before they go to sleep.