Buying a Bride with Relative Ease
Now Abraham was old, and well stricken with AIDS. 2 He called for his chief servant and asked him ‘Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to cup my balls.’
The servant did so.
‘Ha ha!’ laughed Abraham. ‘I can’t believe you did it!’
His servant pulled his hand away awkwardly.
3 When he had finished laughing, Abraham said, ‘I want you to swear to God that you won’t let Isaac marry any of those stinking Canaanites.’
‘That’s kind of racist!’ replied his servant.
4 ‘I don’t care! I want him to marry a family member like I did. Go fetch one from Haran.’
5 The servant gagged slightly, and asked, ‘What if the woman is unwilling to come back?’
6 ‘Oh, just put a sack over her head and drag her back,’ replied Abraham. ‘That’s how I got Sarah. Now get going to my homeland of Haran!’
‘But you said you came from Ur of the Chaldeans!’
7 ‘I did, but I lived in Haran briefly, so I’m calling it my homeland.’
‘Ok…’ replied the servant. ‘Do you want me to take Isaac along with me?’
8 ‘Why would you do that? Swear to me you won’t take him back there!’
‘Why not? Shouldn’t he have some say in who he marries?’
‘No! He’s my son. He’ll do as I say!’ spat Abraham. ‘Also, I’m going to send an angel ahead of you, because I don’t trust you to go alone!’
9 So the servant swore at Abraham and agreed to do everything he asked, and he set out with ten camel-loads of goods to Aram Naharaim (aka Padan-aram, aka Haran).
10 When the servant (who we’ll call Ichabod, because I’m tired of calling him just ‘the servant’) arrived in the town of Nahor, 11 he tied his camels up by a well, 12 and got down on his knees and prayed: ‘Lord, I don’t know where Abraham’s relatives live, 13 so please forgive me, 14 but I’m going to marry Isaac off to whichever of the girls drawing water from the well is willing let my camels have a drink. Okay?’
Now, unlike Abraham and his family, Ichabod didn’t hear voices in his head, so he took the lack of answer as tacit agreement.
15 Just as he had finished praying, a hot little number called Rebekah came skipping along with a jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel and granddaughter of Abraham’s brother Nahor and his niece-wife Milcah. 16 Ichabod could tell by the way that she skipped that not only was she a virgin, but she had never had sex with a man.
17 Ichabod ran up to Rebekah and said, ‘Please, give me some water, for I am parched.’
18 ‘The well’s right there, you lazy bastard,’ sneered Rebekah. 19 Then she looked over at the camels, and said, ‘I’ll give your camels some, though. Poor things.’
20 So Rebekah poured some water from her jar into the trough for the camels, 21 and Ichabod got himself a drink. 22 When the camels had finished drinking, Ichabod took out a golden nose ring, punched it through Rebekah’s nose, 23 and said, ‘Who’s your daddy?’
Rebekah thought that he was coming on to her, so she slapped him across the face, saying ‘Fresh!’
‘No no no,’ he objected. ‘I just wanted to know if I could spend the night.’
Rebekah gave him another slap.
‘Quit slapping me!’ he bawled. ‘I’m here to buy you for my master’s son.’
24 ‘Oh,’ replied Rebekah. 25 Then she slapped him again, and said, ‘My father is Bethuel. Follow me.’
26 Ichabod declared, ‘Praise the Lord!’ untied the camels, 27 and followed Rebekah in as straight a line as he could muster after being slapped so many times.
28 When Rebekah got home, she told everyone what had happened. 29 Ichabod was still lagging behind with the camels, so Rebekah’s brother Laban ran out to help him along. 30 When he saw Ichabod, he yelled, ‘What’s taking you so long? 31 We’ve already had time to prepare the stables for the camels and a bed for you.’
32 As soon as Ichabod arrived at Rebekah’s house, he unburdened the camel (which is an old-fashioned way of saying that he took a piss). 33 He was offered food, but he refused to eat until he had recounted his tale.
34 So Ichabod spent sixteen long verses telling them everything that had happened. 50 And when he’d finished, Laban replied, ‘So Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time, and Haley Joel Osment didn’t have a clue?’
‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ cried Ichabod.
‘Oh, sorry. I guess I got bored and started thinking about the movie I watched last night.’
‘This is obviously a sign from the Lord,’ declared Bethuel. 51 ‘Here, take my daughter, random stranger who I’ve just met. You’re obviously trustworthy.’
52 So Ichabod paid Bethuel the standard fee for virgin daughters, 53 and all the men had a feast to celebrate their transaction while the women did all the chores.
54 The next morning, Ichabod yawned and said, ‘Well, I’m off back to Abraham.’
55 Laban replied, ‘But she’s still got shitloads of chores to do. Can we at least keep her until she finishes whitewashing my bedroom?’
56 ‘Aww, come on!’ exclaimed Ichabod. ‘What if you break her? I can’t take her back to my master broken.’
57 Rebekah’s mother piped up, ‘Why don’t you ask Rebekah what she wants to do?’
Laban shot her a sideways glare. Fancy a woman having an opinion…
58 So Laban brought Rebekah out, and he asked, ‘Look, would you rather stay here and finish painting my room, or do you want to go off with this icky guy.’
‘Ichabod,’ corrected Ichabod.
Rebekah looked around at her loving family, and she said, ‘Get me the hell out of this place!’
59 So Rebekah, her nurse, and Ichabod left on camelback. 60 As she rode away, Laban and Bethuel recited this poem:
‘We’re going to miss you doing chores;
Washing dishes, sweeping floors.
But now a new man is your master
Displeasing him will spell disaster.
Give him kids, and be his whore
That is, after all, what women are for.
And if you encounter those you hate,
Do what we do, steal their gate!’
62 At this time, Isaac was living in Beer Lahai Roi, Negev. 63 He was just leaving the psychiatrist he’d been seeing since his dad attempted to murder him, when he saw camels in the distance. He was shocked to see camels in the area, as they wouldn’t be domesticated there for another thousand years, so, thinking they were some kind of disfigured horses, he ran out to take a gander.
64 When Rebekah saw him running towards them, she got down off the camel and asked Ichabod, ‘Who’s the weirdo? Hasn’t he ever seen a camel before?’
65 Ichabod replied, ‘That’s my master’s son Isaac. He’s the guy you’re going to marry.’
‘Shit!’ cried Rebekah, covering her face with a veil. ‘I haven’t done my makeup!’
66 Then Ichabod started to tell Isaac everything that happened, but Rebekah cut him off saying, ‘It’s a boring story that lasts sixteen verses. Save yourself the headache.’
67 Isaac took Rebekah into his tent and loved her, which certainly took his mind off his dead mother.