MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Judges > Samson

Why, Why, Why?

Judges 16

After his victory over the Philistines, Samson decided to go to Gaza, Philistia in search of pussy. Whilst there, he came across a topless bar called The Strip where he hooked up with a pole dancer.

2 When the locals heard that he was there, they hid by the gates of the city so that they could catch him coming out the next morning. 3 Unfortunately, he came early. Not only that, but he decided to leave the city before morning, and he barged through the gates, knocking them off their hinges and onto the hiding Philistines, crushing them.

4 A while later, he was visiting the Valley of Sorek when he spotted a stunning woman named Delilah and fell instantly in love with her. 5 When the Philistine council heard this, they approached her and said, ‘That brute Samson has taken a fancy to you. Could you get close to him and find out his weakness for us?’

‘How much will you pay me?’ she asked.

‘Well, we were hoping you’d do it for Philistia.’

‘Fuck that, I want silver!’

‘How much?’ they sighed.

‘1,100 shekels.’

‘Hmm, okay. I suppose we could have a whip round.’

‘Each.’

‘Jesus! That’s steep!’

‘Take it or leave it.’

So, the Philistine council agreed to her terms, and Delilah went to seduce Samson.

6 After they’d bumped uglies, Delilah said to Samson, ‘What’s your secret?’

He replied, ‘I write the alphabet with my tongue.’

‘No, not that! The secret of your strength.’

‘Oh, I’m a Nazirite.’

‘Well, I don’t mind that,’ she sighed. ‘My last boyfriend wasn’t all that bright either.’

‘No, it means that I’m blessed by God.’

‘Oh... Well, what’s your weakness?’

‘I have a slight temper,’ he grunted.

‘No, I mean what would take your strength away?’

7 Samson thought that this was an odd thing to ask, so he lied, ‘If you choke me with a necktie during sex, I become as weak as a kitten.’

‘Oh… okay…’ replied Delilah. ‘I’m just going to go and get something.’ And she went and told the Philistines what Samson had said, and she bought a necktie from the local bazaar.

8 That night, as they were bonking, Delilah took out the necktie, tied it around Samson’s neck, and began to choke him. Samson was just starting to enjoy himself, when the Philistines burst in.

Delilah called out, ‘Oh no! It’s the Philistines!’

Samson sprang to his feet and kicked the shit out of them. ‘Fucking perverts!’ he barked.

10 Delilah, who was lying on the floor where she’d fallen, turned to Samson and pouted, ‘You lied to me! How come you won’t tell me your one weakness?’

‘Because I wanted to try the thing with the necktie,’ he sniffled.

‘Oh, well you could have just asked…Come on, tell me what your real weakness is.’

11 ‘Oh, okay,’ he sighed. ‘I’m weakened by being tied up with new ropes... during sex.’

‘Hmm, during sex, huh?’ she asked sceptically.

‘Yup.’

‘Okay, I just have to go check on something.’ And she went out and bought some new ropes, told the Philistines what Samson had said, and brought the ropes back to Samson’s room.

12 The next night, Delilah tied Samson up with the ropes that she had bought and climbed onto his lap. Just then, the Philistines burst in.

‘Oh no! It’s the Philistines!’ she yelled.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ groaned Samson. ‘We were just getting to the fun part.’ He jumped to his feet, broke out of the ropes, and he gave the Philistines another good thrashing.

13 ‘What the hell?’ fumed Delilah. ‘You lied to me again! You just wanted to have kinky sex!’

‘Erm… What gave you that idea?’ stuttered Samson.

‘Well, your strength wasn’t gone! I can’t believe you’d lie to me!’

14 ‘I’m sorry,’ replied Samson in a remorseful tone. ‘Look, if you weave the seven braids of my hair into a loom and pull it really really tight, all of my strength will drain from me… during sex, of course.’

‘Seriously? That’s kind of random…’

But despite her scepticism, she went out and bought a loom, and she told the Philistines what Samson had said.

That night, she came into Samson’s bedroom, and called, ‘Sammy, I have a surprise for you!’

‘Ooh, a loom!’ he cheered.

So, he lay down and let Delilah weave his hair into the loom, and Delilah tightened it and climbed on top of him.

Now the Philistines, who were getting really sick of being beaten up, sneaked into the room cautiously.

‘Oh no! It’s the Philistines!’ yelled Delilah.

Samson leapt to his feet.

‘Eep!’ exclaimed the Philistines, scrambling for the door.

But Samson was too quick. He swung the loom around his head like a mace and used it to batter the Philistines.

15 ‘You lied to me again!’ griped Delilah. ‘How can you say you love me when you won’t even tell me your one weakness?’

‘Well, so far, every time I tell you that something is my weakness, the fucking Philistines burst in!’ he retorted. ‘I’m starting to think that you’re trying to trick me!’

‘I’m not!’

‘I don’t believe you!’ growled Samson, storming out of the room.

16 Delilah spent the best part of the week begging Samson to tell her his secret. ‘Please! Please tell me!’ she begged. ‘I’ll do anything you ask!’

‘No!’ snapped Samson.

‘But I love you!’

‘Really?’

‘Well, I am fucking you, aren’t I?’

‘Hmm, I suppose,’ he replied. ‘Okay, you’ve persuaded me. When I was a child, my mother dropped me on my head…’

‘That explains a lot,’ she muttered under her breath.

‘And so, I have always grown my hair long to make sure that nobody ever sees the divot in my head.’

‘That’s understandable.’

17 ‘Well, as a way to ensure that I don’t ever cut my hair, God told me that if I do, he’ll rob me of my awesome strength.’

‘Look, if you’re just going to take the piss, I’m leaving!’ objected Delilah.

‘No, it’s true,’ sobbed Samson. ‘Feel my head for yourself.’

‘That’s not the part that’s hard to believe, it’s the bit about God punishing you for cutting your hair…’

‘You think I’m a freak, don’t you?’ wept Samson.

18 ‘No,’ she replied. ‘Come here.’ And she laid Samson’s head against her bosom and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.

19 As he slept, she sent for a barber to shave off Samson’s hair, and she called for the Philistines again. They were too scared to enter, so they waited outside.

20 ‘Oh no! The Philistines are here!’ Delilah called.

Samson tried to spring to his feet, but he felt too weak, so he dragged himself out of bed, and went out to face them. The Philistines pounced on him, and he was unable to fight them off.

As he lay at the bottom of a heap of Philistines, he looked over at Delilah and whimpered, ‘Why?’ but Delilah just turned away.

21 The men put shackles on him, gouged out his eyes, and sent him to prison to grind corn.


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