Wow, What a Weird Dream
10 After Jacob had left Beersheba for Haran, 11 he stopped to rest for the night at a certain place that, though it has been mentioned previously, I’m not going to name here, because it will make the fact that Jacob is going to give it a name seem weird. Just ignore the fact that I have mentioned its name before, and try to act surprised when Jacob names it, okay?
So anyway, Jacob looked around for something to rest his head on, but all that he could find was rocks. Evidently, the journey was long enough that he had to stop for the night, but not long enough that he thought to take any kind of supplies. He fell asleep using a rock as a pillow.
12 Now, as many of you know, sleeping with a rock as a pillow is a sure-fire way to give yourself nightmares. Jacob dreamed that there was an escalator stretching up to Heaven, and angels were riding it up, getting off at the top, and riding back down on the downward stairway. They appeared to be enjoying themselves. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy riding escalators?
13 And behold, at the top of the escalator stood the Lord, who declared in a booming voice, ‘I am the Lord! I am the same God who made a deal with your father, Isaac!’
‘Oh, hi Lord,’ replied Jacob. ‘I was starting to think that my father had made you up to stop us from playing with ourselves at night. You know, “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so for fuck’s sake stop masturbating!”’
14 The Lord continued, ‘Look around, to the north and south, to the east and west. I will spread your offspring around the land like dust. And before you ask, no, that doesn’t mean I’m going to blow them up.’
‘Well, that’s a relief.’
15 ‘Oh, by the way, I do watch you all the time, even when you use the toilet. Anything more than three shakes is playing with yourself, so stop it!’
16 When Jacob awoke he declared, ‘The Lord has been watching me take a shit, and I didn’t even know!’ 17 Then he looked around and said, ‘This place gives me the creeps.’
18 The next morning, he took the stone he had used as a pillow, poured oil on it, and set fire to it. 19 He named the place Bethel, which means, ‘Wow, what a weird dream,’ instead of Luz, even though it’s never been called Luz in any of the previous stories. I might refer to it as Luz again in Genesis 35 just to confuse things, so look out for that.
20 Then Jacob made a vow, saying, ‘If God is really watching over me all the time, I am going to start showering with my clothes on! 21 Please, God, stop being such a perve. 22 I swear that if you stop peeping, I’ll give you a tenth of everything I have!’