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That's Using Your Ass!

Judges 15

A while later, Samson decided to go and visit his wife. He was just about to sneak into her bedroom with a goat when his father-in-law caught him.

‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing taking a goat into my daughter’s bedroom?’ bawled his father-in-law.

‘Erm…’ replied Samson sheepishly. ‘I thought we could experiment… Might perk up our sex life.’

2 ‘It’s been two months, you dunderheaded buffoon! I thought you’d lost interest in her! When you didn’t come back, I married her off to someone else!’

‘Hmm…’ grumbled Samson. ‘That would explain the no sex.’ Then he thought for a moment. ‘Hey!’ he yelled. ‘I just realised that if she’s married to someone else, I can’t bang her!’

‘Well, duh.’

Samson became agitated and began to stomp around in a tantrum.

‘Hey, hey! Stop it!’ wailed his father-in-law. ‘How about if you marry her sister? Not only is she hotter, but she’s been doing yoga since she was 3.’

‘You want me to marry a 3-year-old!’ objected Samson.

‘No! Jesus Christ, you’re a simpleton!’

3 But by this time, Samson had stormed off out of the house yelling, ‘Now I will have my revenge!’

4 Samson spent the rest of the day catching foxes. In his anger, he accidentally compacted fifty or so of them into little bloody balls. 5 By nightfall, he had caught three hundred of them. He doused them in paraffin, set them on fire, and released them in the cornfields of Philistia, burning all of their crops to the stalk.

6 As the flames spread across the Philistine countryside, the people were in a blind panic. ‘Holy shit!’ they cried. ‘What kind of monster would do such a thing?’

‘It’s Samson,’ someone called back. ‘He’s a Nazirite.’

‘Oh. Well, even if he is, that’s no excuse for this kind of behaviour!’

‘That’s not what a Nazirite is!’

Then somebody interjected, ‘There’s no point in discussing this right now. We need some water.’

‘We can’t get revenge with water! I say we fight fire with fire!’

So, a mob of slightly singed Philistines carrying torches marched straight to Samson’s ex-wife’s house and set it on fire with her and her father still inside. Seeing this, Samson was incensed. He flew at the men, pounding several of them with his fists, and tearing limbs off others. He managed to shove the head of one man up his own arse so that he looked like some kind of mewling doughnut.

After his rage subsided, Samson wandered off to the cave of Etam to sulk.

9 Meanwhile, the Philistines who had managed to escape went and pitched their tents near Lehi in Judah. 10 When the Judeans saw them encamped there, they thought that they were declaring war.

‘No,’ called the Philistines. ‘We’ve just come to take Samson prisoner .’ And they explained the whole story.

‘Oh,’ replied the Judeans. ‘We know where he likes to hide. Wait there.’

So, three thousand Judeans went to the cave to get Samson, but only a handful went inside, for they couldn’t all fit.

11 ‘You big oaf!’ they scolded him. ‘Look at the trouble you’ve caused this time!’

‘I only did to them what they did to me,’ sobbed Samson.

‘You think setting three hundred foxes on fire and killing half the Philistine population is the same as having your wife given to another man?’

‘Yeah!’ spat Samson.

12 ‘No, it isn’t! Now, you’re coming with us, young man. We’re handing you over to the Philistines.’

‘Just promise that you won’t kill me yourselves,’ blubbed Samson.

13 The men agreed, and they tied him up with two strong ropes and led him out to face the Philistines.

14 As they approached Lehi, the Philistines swarmed towards him screaming. Samson felt his blood boiling, and he broke the ropes that bound him like they were threads and went charging towards them like a bull.

15 After he’d torn one of the Philistines to pieces and left him as a pile of blood-sodden organs, he looked down and he saw the man’s ass bone sticking out of the remains. He picked it up and brandished it like a Klingon bat’leth, yelling, ‘Qaplah`!’.

Samson killed a thousand more of the Philistines that evening, and as he wandered home drenched in blood, he sang a little song to himself:

17 And from that day on, the Israelites called the place where he dropped that ass bone, Ramath Lehi, which means, ‘That’s using your ass!’

18 After his heroic victory, Samson was feeling rather parched, so he fell to his knees and yelled at the sky, ‘I’m thirsty!’

19 God heard Samson’s cry, and he caused a spring of fresh water to sprout up right next to him. Samson drank his fill, and called the place En Hakkore, which means, ‘cheers, God’.

20 And Samson was made a judge for some reason, and he held that position in Israel for twenty years.