Ten Commandments 2.0
‘I’ve just realised,’ said the Lord to Moses, ‘you smashed my fucking tablets!’
‘I know, but the Israelites really pissed me off!’ yelled Moses.
2 ‘Well, I want you to chisel two new stone tablets, and I’m going to write exactly what was written on the previous tablets. Be ready tomorrow morning and come up Mount Sinai. I want you to present yourself to me, right there on the mountain.’
‘The same way you “presented yourself” to me?’ asked Moses, nervously.
3 ‘No!’ retorted God. ‘Also, make sure nobody touches my mountain!’
‘I know, I know…’
4 So, Moses got to work chiselling some new tablets, and then he lugged them to the top of Mount Sinai.
5 The Lord came down in a cloud right next to him, and yelled, ‘Yahweh!’
‘Jesus Christ!’ exclaimed Moses.
6 ‘No, it’s me,’ replied the Lord. ‘The great and powerful Lord.’ He paraded in front of him. ‘Compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, one hell of a lover, abounding in love and faithfulness, beloved by men, women and children of all ages, forgiving the wicked. 7 Yet, he doesn’t leave the guilty unpunished, oh no. He punishes the children, and the children’s children for the sins of their fathers to the third and fourth generation.’
8 ‘Are you finished?’ snorted Moses. ‘I don’t see why you need anyone’s worship when you’re so good at kissing your own arse!’
‘Rude!’ huffed God.
9 ‘Sorry, but your self-gratifying could put Donald Trump to shame.’
The Lord pouted.
‘Sorry,’ sighed Moses.
10 ‘I just want everyone to love me. I want them all to agree to worship me and only me. I want them to know how awesome I am!’
‘There, there,’ reassured Moses.
11 ‘If they just do as I say without question, I’ll drive out the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. 12 You better not make any treaties with them!’
‘Why not? Surely, we need as many friends as we can get?’
13 ‘No!’ objected God. ‘I want you to topple their altars, smash their sacred stones, chop down their Asherah poles, and fucking kick them in the nuts! 14 Don’t worship any of their gods, because I’m jealous and my name is Jealous!’
‘You told me that your name was Yahweh…’
‘I have a lot of names!’ snapped the Lord. ‘My full name is Yahweh God Almighty Jealous Nancy Damn It. Or God Damn It for short.’
‘Okay…’ moaned Moses.
‘Now, I’ll tell you my Ten Commandments as I write with my finger.’
15 ‘Number one: be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to them, they will invite you and you will eat their sacrifices. 16 And when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons and those daughters prostitute themselves to their gods, they will lead your sons to do the same.’
‘That wasn’t in the first set…’ complained Moses.
‘Well, it’s more or less the same,’ said God. 17 ‘Number two: do not make any idols.’
‘That’s clearer than the last version.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You said not to make any carved images of anything. Then you said not to worship them. Saying, “Do not make any idols,” is much clearer.’
18 God continued, ‘Number 3: celebrate the Feast of Bread Without Yeast. For seven days, eat bread made without yeast, as I commanded you. Do this at the appointed time in the month of Aviv, for in that month you came out of Egypt.’
‘That wasn’t in the first set either!’ objected Moses.
‘But I hate the frigging stuff!!!’ bawled God.
Moses just rolled his eyes.
19 The Lord continued, ‘Number 4: the first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. 20 Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons.’
‘Again, not in the first set, and you still haven’t explained what “redeeming” them is…’
‘Yes, it was!’ argued God. ‘Why do you insist on interrupting me?’
‘I thought I was making some good points,’ sighed Moses.
God resumed his recitation, ‘Number five: no one is to appear before me empty-handed!’
‘So far, it’s only been me and Aaron, and I didn’t realise that you wanted presents.’
‘Well, I do!’ barked the Lord. ‘I’m God! You should be licking my fucking feet!’
Moses rolled his eyes again.
21 ‘And quit rolling your eyes! Number six: six days you shall labour, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during the ploughing season and harvest, you must rest.’
‘Again, more concise than the last version,’ commented Moses.
The Lord shot him a disapproving look and continued, 22 ‘Number seven: celebrate the Festival of Weeks.’
Moses interrupted, ‘The what?’
‘The Festival of Weeks! It involves the firstfruits of the wheat harvest! I’m sure I explained it to you!’
‘You bloody didn’t!’
‘Well, I’ll explain it later. And the Festival of Ingathering at the turn of the year.’
‘The harvest!’ fumed God. 23 ‘Look, three times a year, all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel. 24 I will drive out nations before you and enlarge your territory, and no one will covet your land when you go up three times each year to appear before the Lord your God!’
‘Oh, so that’s why you’re commanding nobody to come before you empty-handed. You stand to get a lot of stuff.’
‘I deserve stuff!’ yelled God. ‘I’ve lost my place again!’
‘You were on number seven, I think,’ replied Moses sheepishly.
25 ‘Number eight: do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifice from the Passover Festival remain until morning.’
‘Are you just making these up off the top of your head?’ cried Moses.
‘These are the exact same commandments!’ scolded God. ‘It’s not my fault that with your primitive human brain, you can’t remember them!’
‘Well, technically, you designed the human brain…’
26 ‘Shut up! Number nine: bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God.’
Moses bit his tongue.
The Lord continued, ‘Number ten: do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk.’
‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ exclaimed Moses. ‘Who would boil a goat in milk?’
‘I know what you fucking people are like! You’re a perverse and stiff-necked people!’
‘We’ve been sleeping on rocks! We’re bound to get stiff necks!’
27 ‘It means stubborn!’ countered God.
‘What about stealing, killing, adultery, and lying?’ asked Moses.
‘There’ll be time for that later! Now write down what I told you!’
‘But… you said you were writing them… What the hell have you been writing all this time?’
‘I was doodling…’ replied the Lord. ‘Look, I drew this guy with huge boobs and a massive wang.’
‘Ergh!’ groaned Moses.
28 So, Moses spent forty days and forty nights without food or water, chiselling the Ten Commandments on the tablets of stone.