MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Jesus's Ministry

Temptation

Matthew 4

Jesus, drunk on spirits, left the Jordan and wandered off into the wilderness. 2 He didn’t eat anything for forty days and nights, and surprisingly, he was hungry.

Just then, the devil appeared in a flash of fire and brimstone. ‘Hi, Jesus,’ he said cheerily. ‘Long time no see.’

‘Get thee behind me, Satan!’ cried Jesus.

‘Why?’

‘There’s a scorpion, and it looks angry! Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.’

‘Ah, but you forget,’ smirked Satan, ‘I am impervious to harm.’

‘Oh, yeah…’ sighed Jesus. ‘In that case, get thee in front of me!’

3 Satan looked Jesus up and down, and he saw that he had lost a lot of weight. ‘You look famished, mate,’ he said. ‘Why don’t you transform those rocks into bread, and we can sit and have a picnic?’

4 ‘Nah, I’m trying this new Breatharian thing.’

‘Aww, come on!’ mocked Satan. ‘You’ve bought into some fad diets in your time, but this takes the cake!’

‘Ergh… don’t mention cake…’ groaned Jesus. ‘I’m starving…’

5 ‘This desert is starting to depress me,’ said Satan. ‘How about a change of venue?’ He blinked, and they were standing on the highest point of the temple in the holy city.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Jesus. ‘Warn me before you do that!’

‘I’ve got to say, your people have built a fine city. And this temple is amazing. You should be proud.’

Jesus gripped the spire of the temple. ‘I’m scared I’m going to fall!’

6 ‘Don’t worry. Isn’t it written that your father will command his angels to catch you?’

7 ‘Yeah, but you know what he’s like. He’d probably think I was putting him to the test, and he fucking hates that!’

8 ‘Hmm, you’re right…’ replied Satan. ‘How’s this?’ He blinked, and they were on top of a mountain.

‘Woah!’

Satan smiled and said, ‘Yeah, it’s a hell of a view.’

‘I can see all of the kingdoms of the Earth from here!’ marvelled Jesus.

‘What?’

‘It’s so high that I can see right to the ends of the Earth!’

‘You fucking idiot!’ spat Satan. ‘The world is a globe! There’s no way you could see all of the countries no matter how high you get!’

‘Nuh uh. The world is flat. It stands on pillars, and my father placed a solid dome over the top.’

9 ‘Dude, you need to stop listening to your father’s bullshit,’ scoffed Satan.

10 ‘It is written, “Worship the Lord your God and serve only him, because he knows better than everyone!”’

‘Well, of course it says that in the Torah!’ sneered Satan. ‘He dictated the bloody thing!’

‘Bugger off, Satan! I grow tired of your lies!’

11 ‘Fine, have it your way…’ sighed Satan, and with that, he vanished.

‘Shit!’ cursed Jesus. ‘How the fuck am I going to get down?’


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