MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Cruci-Fiction

Take This Cup

Matthew 26:36-43, Mark 14:32-39, Luke 22:39-46

When Jesus and his disciples arrived at the Mount of Olives, he told them, ‘Stay here, I have to go off and do… a thing…’

‘What sort of thing?’ asked James.

‘Shh,’ replied John, his brother. ‘He’s probably going to take a piss.’

Jesus wandered to the garden of Gethsemane, and after checking to see if he was alone, he fell to his knees and prayed, ‘Daddy! I don’t want to die! Please don’t let them kill me!’

There was silence. He looked around for a moment, but the night was still.

‘Seriously!’ he yelled. ‘I’m your only begotten son, you self-involved prick!’

Just then, an angel from Heaven emerged from behind a tree.

‘How long have you been standing there, Uriel?’ groaned Jesus.

‘Long enough,’ replied the angel, stepping forwards. ‘You’re getting yourself all worked up, as bloody usual. Look, you’re even sweating blood!’

Jesus wiped his brow and looked at the blood on his fingers. ‘Shit!’ he snapped. He looked at Uriel with tears welling in his eyes and cried, ‘My soul is so plagued with sorrow that I could die!’

Uriel looked at the mewling mess in front of him and tutted. ‘Why the hell are you getting upset? You’re only going to be dead for three fucking days! You’ll be back with your father in no time!’

‘But all my stuff’s here…’ whimpered Jesus. ‘And between you and me, I’ve been dating this chick called Mary. She’s a woman of ill repute if you know what I mean.’

‘For fuck’s sake! Why do men turn into snivelling worms as soon as they’re promised sex? Just pull yourself together and go back to your disciples; they’re wondering where you got to.’ And with that, he vanished, leaving Jesus to weep alone.

After he’d composed himself, Jesus returned to his disciples and found them all sleeping. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he rebuked. ‘I leave you alone for fifteen minutes, and you’ve fallen asleep!’

‘How long does it take to have a piss?’ sighed John, rubbing his eyes.

‘I was praying, you moron!’ snapped Jesus. ‘Well, at least I tried to, but the line was busy. I’m going to try calling again. Now stay awake!’

So, Jesus went back to Gethsemane once more, and he prayed, ‘Father, please take this cup from me.’

Suddenly, God called from Heaven, ‘Cup? What cup? I don’t see any bloody cup!’

‘It’s a metaphor,’ groaned Jesus.

‘I don’t care what kind of cup it is; I still can’t see it!’

‘Look, forget the cup. Okay?’

‘No,’ huffed God. ‘If you’ve brought me a cup, I want it! You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day!’

Jesus rummaged around in his bag until he found his favourite mug. Sighing, he held it up towards the sky and said, ‘Here.’

God picked up the cup and examined it. ‘Hmm,’ he said. ‘It’s not very big., and there’s a slight chip out of the rim.’ So, he hurled the mug back down to the ground, smashing it.

‘Hey!’ cried Jesus. ‘That was my favourite mug, you bastard!’

‘Now listen here, sonny boy!’ fumed God. ‘There’s only one bastard around here, and it’s you! Now get your arse back to your friends so that you can be arrested! I can’t forgive humanity unless you’re brutally tortured and killed.’

‘About that…’ began Jesus, but God had already left.

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