Sweet Zombie Jesus!
Matthew 28:10, John 20:11-17, Zechariah 14:1-13, Daniel 12:2
Meanwhile, outside the tomb, Mary was sitting with her head in her hands crying. She heard a noise behind her, and she turned to find a man standing grinning at her.
‘Woman, why are you crying?’ he asked.
‘Because somebody’s taken Jesus’s body, and I don’t know what vile things they’re doing to it!’ she wailed.
The man sighed, ‘Mary…’
Realising it was Jesus, she ran to him and hugged him tightly, cheering, ‘Ravioli!’
‘Don’t hold on to me!’ he warned. ‘I haven’t ascended to Heaven yet, and I could go at any time!’
‘Oh,’ she gasped, letting go of him. ‘You look so different…’
‘You’d look different too if you’d been embalmed and left to marinate for three days!’
‘I… I suppose,’ she stuttered.
‘Don’t be afraid. I just wanted to instruct you to tell the disciples that I’ll meet them in Galilee… or possibly Emmaus.’
‘Yeah, we got the message from the midgets.’
‘Midgets?’ asked Jesus.
‘In the tomb. They were dressed in a trench coat…’
‘Oh, those were putti. They’re like… angel babies.’
‘Angel babies?’ muttered Mary. Then she looked Jesus in the eye and said, ‘I’ve missed you, Lord. Come, we must go an tell the others!’
‘No,’ replied Jesus. ‘I can’t go with you.’
Jesus turned away, took a breath, and said, ‘A day is coming when a plague will strike all nations. On that day, there will be neither light nor heat from the Sun. On that day, the Lord will strike the people with panic. Many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth shall awaken; some to everlasting life, and some to eternal torment. Their flesh will rot as they stand, their eyes will turn to goo in their sockets, and their tongues will putrefy in their mouths.’
‘W… what are you trying to say?’
‘When I awoke in that tomb, bound in bandages, a change had come over me. At first, it was a slight pang, but it grew into a ravenous hunger. A hunger for human flesh!’ He turned back to face her and said, ‘Anyway, toodles.’
And with that, he disappeared.
Later that day, two of the disciples were on their way to the village of Emmaus. They were so caught up in their conversation that they didn’t notice that Jesus had appeared and started walking with them.
‘What are you guys talking about?’ he asked them.
‘Oh,’ replied one of the men, whose name was Cleopas. ‘We were talking about this rumour that’s been going around that Jesus is a zombie now.’
The other, man whose name was Thaddaeus, chimed in, ‘Wait a second. Where did you come from?’
‘I’ve been following you for a while,’ replied Jesus.
The men looked at him and asked, ‘Who are you?’
‘How foolish you are!’ spat Jesus. ‘And how slow to understand the situation you find yourselves in.’
The men stared at him in confusion.
Jesus took a breath and declared, ‘I am Zombie Jesus!’ and he lunged at the men. He managed to catch Cleopas by the arm and sink his teeth into his shoulder.
Cleopas screamed and tried to shake him off, but Jesus’s teeth were too sharp; he had a grip on him like a rottweiler. He screamed as the risen messiah gnawed through the bone and swallowed his arm in one gulp.
His companion was terrified, so he fled, leaving Cleopas to be devoured.
He ran all the way to Jerusalem where he found the eleven. ‘It’s true!’ he told them. ‘The Lord has risen… and he’s hungry for human flesh! He ate Cleopas!’
‘Don’t be fucking ridiculous!’ rebuked Thomas. ‘Dead people don’t get up and start feasting on the living!’
John turned to him and said, ‘What about on the day that Jesus was crucified? A whole hoard of them came marching into Jerusalem!’
‘Well, yeah,’ replied Thomas. ‘That one time.’
While they were still talking, Jesus entered the room. His clothes were bloody, and he still had a piece of Cleopas’s skin stuck in his teeth. ‘Peace be with you!’ he declared.
The disciples were terrified.
‘A g…g…ghost!’ yelped Simon.
‘No,’ replied Jesus, ‘it is I, Zombie Jesus! Touch me and you’ll see. A ghost doesn’t have flesh and bones like I have!’
The men cowered in fear.
‘I’m hungry,’ said Jesus.
Philip picked up a fish and tossed it towards him. Jesus caught it in his mouth and guzzled it down like a pelican. Then he wiped his mouth and stepped towards them.
‘See, I told you!’ scolded Thaddaeus.
But Thomas huffed, ‘Unless I see the nail holes in his hands and the slit in his side, I don’t believe you!’
Jesus stared at him with eyes that had already begun to congeal in their sockets and said, ‘You don’t believe in me? Why don’t you reach out your hand and put your finger in my hole?’
The other disciples warned him, ‘Don’t do it! It’s a trick!’
Thomas squared up to the zombie messiah and asked, ‘Which hole?’
Jesus grabbed his hand and growled, ‘This hole!’ and he dislocated his jaw like a python and swallowed Thomas’s arm.
The disciples picked up chairs and began to beat the zombie lord over the head, but it only made him bite down harder. James and John picked up the table and used it to ram Jesus out of the window, with Thomas still in his mouth.
The rest of the disciples rushed outside armed with pots, pans, and anything else they could lay their hands on. They all piled on top of Jesus and pummelled him with kitchenware, but he still wouldn’t release Thomas’s arm.
Just then, Peter picked up a stone and yelled, ‘This is the rock with which I’ll cave your skull in!’
The other disciples leapt out of the way as Peter brought the rock down on Jesus’s head, crushing it.
Thomas, whose arm had come clean off in the struggle, gazed up at the disciples, who were gathered around him. ‘Is it over?’ he asked sheepishly.
‘For now,’ replied Peter, wiping the blood from his brow. ‘But I have a feeling he will be back: sometimes as a man, sometimes as a cloud, and sometimes as a vaguely face-shaped pattern on a piece of toast!’