Song of Solomon 1
This is pretty much the most romantic, pantie-droppingest song ever written.
Let him kiss me with his mouth,
Melt my heart and make me smile.
For when he uses the other end,
I’ve got to say, it tastes quite vile!
His scent, it lingers on the breeze,
Like a muskrat’s furry taint.
It makes the ladies swoon and gag,
And strips the woodwork of its paint.
My body yearns for you, my love.
My passion burns and boils my blood.
I ain’t been rogered in an age,
So take me now, you manly stud!
My god, this girl is gagging for it;
Intoxicated by amour.
Her womanhood is brimming over,
Forming puddles on the floor!
How right my friends are to adore you!
Erm… that isn’t what we said…
For what maid in her right mind
Wouldn’t want you in her bed?
I am tall, dark, and quite lovely,
Like the curtain of a tent.
(That line was pretty hard to translate,
I’m uncertain what she meant).
6Don’t judge me for my dark skin.
I swear, my love, it’s just a tan!
(Unsurprisingly, the author
Was a very racist man!)
Now tell me, my shepherd boy,
Where do you go to graze your flock?
And will you, perhaps, have a break
Some time around twelve o’clock?
Maybe I will happen by,
If I might be so bold.
So that I may have your ram
Nestled in my sheepfold.
If you don’t know, my pretty one,
There are some subtle clues.
Just follow the trail of hoofprints
And the droppings of my ewes.
I compare you to a horse, my love,
With your long face and big teeth.
And when I lift your ponytail,
There’s an arsehole underneath!
Your cheeks studded with piercings
Against your hazel curls.
How I long to adorn your neck
With my own string of sticky pearls.
This whole thing is getting weird.
We really don’t like where this is veering.
But if you guys are after jewellery,
We’ll go off and make some earrings…
He caught my scent as I passed by
While he reclined upon the couch.
The delicate honey-sweet aroma,
Of the nard within my pouch.
He’s dearer than a rose to me
Or a whole posy by the dozen.
I long to motorboat his head
Lovingly between my bosoms!
15You are so beautiful, my dear.
With eyes like pigeons in a nest.
16Oh, so handsome, you are, my love.
Such a charmer, I confess.
Let the meadow be our bed,
Down the verdant woodland path.
Beneath the canopy of trees,
Take me roughly in the grass!