Sodomy and Gomorrah
That evening, the two angels arrived at Sodom. Lot was sitting at the entrance to the city, and when he saw them, he got up and threw himself face down on the ground in front of them.
2 ‘My lords,’ he said, ‘please, come to my house so that I can wash your feet. You can spend the night. But you’ll have to leave before my wife comes back in the morning!’
The angels were kind of creeped out, so they replied, ‘No, we’ll... er... spend the night in the town square.’
3 But Lot insisted so adamantly that they decided to go with him just to shut him up. When they got to his house, he cooked them a nice meal, and they ate by candlelight.
4 Before bedtime, all the men of Sodom surrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, ‘Where are those men who you brought home with you tonight? Bring them out so that we can sodomise them!’ (which is where Sodom gets its name).
6 Lot replied, ‘They’re my angels! Get your own!’
7 Then he shoved his daughters out and shut the door behind him, shouting, ‘Here, my daughters are virgins! Do what you like with them!’
8 Then he bolted the door, saying, ‘Now to get me some of that freaky angel sex!’
9 The men outside started hurling themselves against the door. Then they picked up one of Lot’s daughters and started using her as a battering ram. 10 Hearing this, the angels inside the house began chanting in Aramaic. 11 Suddenly, a dazzling flash of light emanated from the house, blinding all of the men outside.
12 The two angels looked around nervously, and said, ‘Is anyone else home?’
Lot smiled and said, ‘No, it’s just us.’
13 ‘Oh shit!’ declared the angels. ‘We just remembered; the Lord sent us to destroy the city! You need to get out of here!’
14 So Lot went out to warn his sons-in-law.
‘Run away! Save yourselves!’ he screamed, gesturing dramatically, ‘God is going to kill us all!’
His sons-in-law laughed thinking he was doing a skit. One of them applauded, and another cried, ‘Encore!’
Realising he wasn’t being taken seriously, Lot got angry and stormed off.
15 As the sun began to rise, the angels urged Lot, saying, ‘Hurry! Take your wife and your daughters and escape, or you’ll be smitten!’
Lot gazed at the angels lustfully and sighed, ‘I already am.’
16 So the angels grabbed Lot and his family and dragged them out of the city. 17 As soon as were clear of the city, one of them said, ‘Flee for your lives! Don’t look back! Run for the hills!’
18 But Lot said to them, ‘No, my lords, please! 19 Your servant has found heaven in your eyes. I can’t leave you; I’ll just die!’
20 The angel replied, ‘Look, there’s a town nearby you can run to called Zoar. We’ll come and get you when we’re done.’
21 Lot replied, ‘Very well, I’ll go to the town you speak of.’
22 ‘Be quick about it!’ snapped the angel, ‘We can’t kill anyone until you’re safe.’
23 By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had fully risen, and Lot’s erection had fully subsided. 24 And the Lord rained down burning sulphur on Sodom and Gomorrah, laughing psychotically as he burned men, women, and children alive. 25 He obliterated the cities and scorched the entire plain until all that was left was a thick layer of smoking ash and rubble.
26 As the sounds of the chaos and destruction echoed behind them, Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. Then Lot looked back, and he became a bottle of vinegar. Lot's daughters looked back, and they became a small pot of tartar sauce and a spoon. And thus, God could finally eat his fish and chips.
27 Early the next morning, 28 Abraham looked down towards Sodom and Gomorrah, and he saw dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace. He fell to his knees and tore his clothes, crying, ‘You maniac! You blew it up! Ah, damn you, God! Damn you to hell!’
29 And from that day on, God remembered Abraham’s reaction, and he secretly held a grudge.