Slave Sex: It's Free
Now Abram and Sarai didn’t have any children, and since fertility treatments hadn’t been invented yet, Saria suggested that Abram should impregnate her Egyptian slave Hagar.
2 She said to Abram, ‘The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with Hagar, and we’ll keep whatever drops out of her.’
3 Abram feigned reluctance but agreed. He’d always secretly wanted to bang Hagar. 4 So Abram slept with Hagar, and she conceived. When she found she was pregnant, she was really pissed off. Not only had she been forced to screw that dirty old man, but now she had to have his child.
5 Then Sarai said to Abram, ‘This is all your fault! I let you rape my slave, and now she’s pregnant and all pissed off for some reason.’
6 Abram replied, ‘She’s your slave, you punish her!’
7So, Sarai went and beat the shit out of Hagar, and Hagar fled to a spring in the desert near Shur.
8 The angel of the Lord found her and said, ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going? Go back to Sarai!’
‘But she beat me!’ protested Hagar.
9 ‘You’re a slave, you don’t have any rights! Go back to your mistress and submit to her.’
10 Hagar began to sob, so the angel of the Lord said, ‘Look, if you go back, I’ll make sure that you have lots of grandkids, okay? Here, listen to this poem:
‘Your master got you pregnant,
And you will have a son.
Name him Ishmael, raise him right;
It’s best in the long run.
But he will be a violent man,
Always fighting like an ass.
He’ll get into trouble all his life.
All this will come to pass.’
13 ‘That’s not all that reassuring…’ sighed Hagar.
14 And Hagar named the spring Beer Lahai Roi, which means, ‘well, doesn’t life suck’. And that well is still there to this very day, between Kadesh and Bered.
15 So Hagar returned to Sarai and Abram, and she gave birth to a son who she named Ishmael. 16 Abram was 86 years old when Ishmael was born.