Sarai’s Too Sexy for the Egyptians
10 There was a famine in Canaan, so Abram decided to take his wife and head to Egypt. 11 As they drew near to Egypt, he turned to Sarai and said, ‘Look, you’re a pretty sexy woman, 12 so I know the Egyptians are going to want to fuck you. 13 Why don’t you pretend to be my sister?’
‘Wait, that makes no sense,’ gasped Sarai. ‘How will saying I’m your sister help?’
‘Because they’ll kill me so that they can sleep with you!’
‘But, if they think I’m your sister, what’s to stop them from propositioning me?’
Abram thought for a minute, and then he retorted, ‘Shut up!’
14 And it came to pass that when they entered Egypt, all the Egyptians who saw Saria fell deeply in lust with her, even Pharaoh. 15 So Pharaoh sent out his officials to buy her from Abram 16 with sheep, cattle, donkeys, slaves, and camels. Abram accepted the payment and Sarai was whisked off to Pharaoh’s palace.
17 When the Lord found out that Abram had sold his wife, he was furious, so he decided to punish Pharaoh and his family by giving them the plague.
18 So Pharaoh called for Abram, and pleaded with him, ‘Why is your god punishing me?’
‘Because you bought my wife from me,’ snorted Abram.
19 ‘Wait, you said she was your sister! I wouldn’t have bought her from you if you’d told me she was your wife!’
‘Yeah, but you would have killed me.’
‘No, I wouldn’t, you racist prick!’ yelled Pharaoh. ‘You assume that just because I’m Egyptian, I’ll kill people for their wives! Fuck off! Get the hell out of Egypt!’
20 With that, Abram and Sarai left Egypt, taking all of the things Pharaoh had given him in payment for Sarai.