MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Exodus > Plagues

Ribbitted for Your Pleasure

Exodus 7

25 Seven days after the Nile had been turned to blood, the Lord said to Moses, ‘Tell Pharaoh that if he doesn’t let you go so that you can worship me, I’m going to send a plague of frogs.’

Exodus 8

‘Frogs?’ exclaimed Moses. ‘What’s so scary about frogs?’

2 ‘Ah, but these won’t be ordinary frogs,’ laughed the Lord. 3 ‘These will be sex-crazed pervert frogs that will climb into bed with people and hide in their baths so that they can brush against their dangly bits.’

‘You mean they’re going to be Frenchmen?’

4 The Lord began to cackle like a madman, and then he said, ‘As much as I enjoyed that bit of casual racism, no, they’re going to be actual frogs. 5 Now, tell Aaron to stretch forth his staff over the river, and it will teem with frogs.’

‘Aww,’ whinged Moses. ‘Why does he get to start all of the plagues?’

‘Because he is obedient, and you’re a whiny smartarsed bitch!’ snapped the Lord.

6 So, later that day, Aaron stretched his staff over the Nile, and the water… I mean blood, began to bubble as though boiling, and soon an army of large green frogs emerged from beneath the surface. They came hopping out onto the bank and made their way into the houses of all the Egyptians. 7 The Egyptian magicians got out their grimoires and found a spell to produce frogs of their own, which only made the situation worse.

8 Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron to his palace. He pleaded with them, ‘Please tell your god to take the frogs away! I’ll do anything you want! I took a nap this afternoon, and I awoke with several of the bastards raping my face!’

9 Aaron and Moses looked at each other and cringed, and then Moses said, ‘Fair enough, let us go worship the Lord in the wilderness as we asked.’

10 ‘That’s fine,’ replied Pharaoh. ‘How’s… wait a second.’ He coughed up some frogspawn, then wiped his mouth and continued, ‘How’s tomorrow for you?’

11 Moses looked up from vomiting and croaked, ‘That’ll do nicely.’

12 After they left the palace, Moses prayed to the Lord to take away the frogs, 13 and the Lord capitulated. 14 The frogs that had plagued the Egyptians died, and their slimy corpses lay in heaps all over the land. The Lord was delighted, because not only did they stink to high heavens, but people kept on slipping on them and injuring themselves. The Lord is a big fan of slapstick.

15 Once the frogs were away, Pharaoh decided to renege on his promise, and so, he refused to let the Israelites go.


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