MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

The Prodigal Twat

Luke 15

There once was a man called Menachem who owned a vast estate. As was the custom of the time, he bequeathed his estate to his two sons Shlomo and Gershom.

12 One day, Gershom, his younger son, told him, ‘You know what, Dad? I can’t wait until you die!’

‘What?’ exclaimed Menachem. ‘So that you can get your inheritance early?’

‘No, because… I mean, yes… that’s what I meant… It’s not because I hate your guts or anything… it’s about the money…’

‘Okay,’ sighed his father. ‘Take the money and piss off.’

13 And so Gershom took the money and pissed off. In fact, he gathered all of his things and moved to a distant land to live a life of debauchery.

14 After he’d spent all of his money on hookers and blow, Gershom found himself penniless and hungry, so he took a job from a local pig farmer as a swineherd. 15 But when he returned to the farmer’s house that evening expecting a meal, the farmer told him, ‘I’m sorry, there’s a famine in the land at the moment. I planned to pay you in shekels at the end of the month.’

‘But I told you when I took the job that I was hungry!’ yelled Gershom. ‘How the fuck am I supposed to survive?’

The farmer scratched his head and said, ‘I have no idea, but whatever you do, don’t go and slaughter one of my pigs and eat it!’

16 ‘Eww!’ spat Gershom. ‘I’d never dream of doing something so disgusting! Pigs aren’t kosher! Can’t I just eat some of the pig food?’

The farmer stared at him and gasped, ‘You want to eat slop?’

‘Yes, I’m so hungry I could eat anything! …except for pork.’

‘You’re fucking nuts, mate!’ barked the farmer. ‘We don’t take kindly to your kind here! Why don’t you piss off back to where you came from?’

17 So Gershom pissed off back to where he came from, and on the way, he thought of what he would say to his father. 18 ‘Father,’ he thought, ‘I have sinned against Heaven and against you, 19 and I’m not fit to be your son! 20 I mean, I degraded myself by working with pigs and even considered eating their slop! I’m a very bad Jew, indeed!’

As he drew close to his father’s estate, Menachem saw him, ran to him, and kissed and hugged him. Then he said, ‘Ergh! You taste like pig shit!’

21 Gershom mewled, ‘Oh, father, I have sinned…’

‘With a pig?’ fumed his father.

‘No, no,’ protested Gershom, ‘it’s not like that!’

22 ‘Oh, fair enough then!’ declared Menachem. 23 Then he called to his servants, ‘Quick, fetch my best robes and a bucket of soapy water, 24 and slaughter a fatted calf! My son has been resurrected from the dead!’

‘I wasn’t dead!’ objected his son. ‘I was off farming pigs!’

‘Shhh! We don’t want people gossiping. Just tell everyone that you died and resurrected. It worked for my friend Lazarus.’

25 Later that day, Shlomo, the elder son, returned from the field to find people partying. 26 He asked one of the servants, ‘What the hell is going on?’

27 And the servant replied, ‘Your brother has returned, so we’re having a barbecue.’

‘That lousy little twat!’

28 Menachem heard the loud expletive and came running outside. ‘Behold, Shlomo,’ he declared, ‘your brother has returned to us safe and sound!’

29 ‘Yeah, after he took his inheritance and buggered off!’ spat Shlomo. ‘I’ve spent all of these years working hard for you, doing whatever you asked when you asked, and I didn’t get a fucking barbecue! 30 But that spoiled perpetually drunk buffoon of a brother of mine goes off galivanting with whores (something which I couldn’t possibly know at this point, but I’m just assuming because I know what kind of guy he is), and he gets a bloody party!’ He spotted the fatted calf on the grill and became incensed. ‘And what’s more, you’ve butchered my poor little Buttercup!’

31 His father wrapped his arm around him and said, ‘My son, you’re always with me, and everything I have is yours, but we must celebrate because your brother was lost and now is found.’

‘Wait a fucking minute!’ squealed Shlomo. ‘That is not an answer!’

‘Well, it’ll have to do,’ sighed his father, ‘because this is one of Jesus’s parables and it’s supposed to be vacuous and unsatisfactory.’

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