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For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Exodus > Plagues

Pharaoh Gets Ash and Pussy

Exodus 9

The Lord said to Moses, ‘Go to Pharaoh and say to him, “This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: ‘Let my people go, so that they may worship me.’” 2 And if he refuses to let them go, 3 I’m going to kill all of his fucking livestock!’

Moses slapped his forehead in dismay.

4 ‘Don’t worry,’ assured the Lord, ‘I’m not going to kill any of your animals.’

‘But is Pharaoh going to let us go?’ asked Moses.

5 The Lord ignored him and said, ‘Tomorrow, the Lord will do this.’

‘I take it that’s a no. And why are you talking about yourself in the third-person? It creeps me out!’

6 The next day, Moses went to Pharaoh to deliver the Lord’s threat, and once more, Pharaoh refused to let the Israelites go. So, God smote all of the Egyptian’s animals and they died. 7 Pharaoh sent his men to investigate, and they found that none of the Israelites’ animals had been affected.

8 When Moses and Aaron returned to the Lord, Moses said, ‘Right, we did as you asked. Now what?’

The Lord told them, ‘Take some ashes from a furnace, and throw them on Pharaoh.’

‘Wait, wait, wait!’ interrupted Moses. ‘That’s just going to piss him off!’

‘I wasn’t finished!’ objected the Lord.

‘Sorry,’ sighed Moses. ‘Go ahead.’

9 ‘Okay, well, the ashes will transform into dust and spread across the land, and everyone and their livestock will break out in horrible festering boils!’

‘But you already killed all of their animals!’ yelled Moses. ‘Do you even have a plan? It sounds like you’re just pulling this stuff out of your arse!’

‘I’m building up to a big finish, okay?’ protested the Lord.

10 So, Moses and Aaron took some ashes from a furnace, and they threw them at Pharaoh.

‘Hey!’ shouted Pharaoh standing up and brushing the ashes off himself. ‘What the fuck was that?’

10 For a moment, nothing happened, and Aaron and Moses thought something had gone wrong. Then suddenly, a gust of wind blasted Pharaoh picking up the ash and carrying it with it as a fine dust. The dust was blown all over Egypt, and everyone was stricken with seeping boils.

11 The Egyptians were so badly afflicted that they looked like a bunch of overripe raspberries. They couldn’t even walk without squelching pus from the sores on their feet! Bumping into an Egyptian was like being slapped with a snot-filled handkerchief.

12 The Lord revelled in the Egyptian’s suffering, and he hardened Pharaoh’s heart again, so that he wouldn’t let the Israelites go.


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