MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Cruci-Fiction

The Passover of the Christ

Matthew 26:17-29, Mark 14:12-31, Luke 22:7-37

On the day of the Feast of Bread Without Yeast that the Passover lamb was to be sacrificed, Jesus called to Peter and John and said, ‘It’s party time boys. Go make preparations for the Passover Seder.’

‘How the hell are we supposed to find a place now?’ they asked. ‘Everywhere is booked solid!’

‘For fuck’s sake,’ he griped. ‘Go into the city, and there’ll be a guy carrying a jug of water.’

‘How do you know that?’ they exclaimed.

‘Because I’m Jesus!’ he spat. ‘Follow him to his house.’

‘What? Like covertly?’

‘No! Just shut up and listen! When he gets to the house, go and tell the owner that your master has sent you, and he’ll take you upstairs.’

‘What is he planning to do to us upstairs?’ they asked nervously.

‘Nothing!’ rebuked Jesus. ‘You’ll make preparations for the Seder.’

‘And he won’t mind?’ asked John. ‘I don’t want to do things in some bloke’s house without his permission.’

‘Just fucking do it!’

So, Peter and John left to prepare the Passover Seder.

Later that night, they were all seated at the table, and Jesus, who was leaning back on his chair, said to them, ‘I have looked forward to this meal all year.’

The disciples all nodded.

He added, ‘It’s just a shame I’m going to die.’

‘Not this again!’ snapped Judas, jumping to his feet. ‘We’re here to commemorate the day when God slaughtered the firstborn of the Egyptians, and you have to go and make it all morbid by talking about death!’

‘Why are you getting all bent out of shape?’ scolded Jesus. ‘I’m the one who’s going to die!’

Judas sat back down awkwardly.

Jesus picked up his cup and said, ‘This is my favourite mug. I’m never going to be able to drink from it again.’

Judas rolled his eyes.

Jesus picked up the bread and sobbed, ‘I’m never going to be able to eat bread again! Next time you eat bread, do it in remembrance of me.’

The disciples began to weep along with Jesus, except for Judas who was shaking his head.

After they’d eaten their meal, Thomas turned to Jesus and said, ‘This wine is really good. You must have paid a fortune for it.’

‘It is my blood,’ replied Jesus.

All of the disciples spat and cried, ‘What?’

‘It represents the new covenant that my death will bring.’

‘Still,’ remarked Thomas, ‘you could have warned us!’

Then Jesus looked at them sternly, and said, ‘One of you is going to betray me.’

‘Just because I objected to drinking your blood?’ objected Thomas.

‘Not you, you idiot!’ hissed Jesus.

The rest of the disciples looked around at each other suspiciously, saying, ‘Surely, you don’t mean me, Lord?’

Jesus replied, ‘The man who will betray me has his hand on the table right now.’

All of the disciples quickly took their hands off the table.

Growing agitated, Jesus groaned, ‘The one who dipped their bread in my soup while I wasn’t looking!’

The disciples muttered amongst themselves trying to decide who had dipped their bread.

‘Judas!’ screamed Jesus. ‘Judas is going to betray me!’

‘Oh!’ they all replied together.

‘Me?’ protested Judas. ‘I… I… wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing!’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ taunted Jesus. ‘But know this: after you do, you’ll wish you’d never been born!’

‘I don’t have to listen to this!’ yelled Judas, standing up. And with that, he left.

Jesus sighed and went after him.

‘Well, that was awkward,’ said Matthew.

‘Yeah,’ replied Thomas. ‘I still can’t believe we drank Jesus’s blood…’

‘I meant Judas being revealed to be a traitor!’ spat Matthew.

‘I know,’ sighed Philip. ‘Judas and Jesus have had their differences, but I didn’t expect he would betray him.’

‘Well,’ replied John, ‘some of us are closer to Jesus than others.’

‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’ roared James.

‘There’s a reason I’m known as the disciple Jesus loves,’ gloated John.

‘He dumped you, dude,’ snorted Bartholomew. ‘You should really move on.’

‘Shut the hell up, you leather-skinned fuck!’ hissed John.

Just then, Jesus walked in. ‘What in my father’s name are you arguing about?’

John rushed up to him and said, ‘Tell them, Jesus. Tell them that I’m the greatest disciple.’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ groaned Jesus. ‘The real question is, which one of you is the most infantile!’

‘He started it,’ whined John, pointing at Matthew.

‘That’s not important!’ scolded Jesus. ‘Listen, when a group of men go out drinking, which is greater: the man who is still standing at the end of the night, or the man who has fallen asleep under the table?’

The disciples stared at him in puzzlement.

‘Verily, I say unto you, the greatest man is the one under the table. That guy knows how to party! You gents have been with me through thick and thin, and you will be rewarded. We’re going to have a hell of a party when we all get to Heaven!’ Then he turned to Peter and said, ‘Simon, Simon, Simon. Remember when Satan chaffed your cob?’

‘Yeah…?’ replied Peter blushing.

‘Didn’t I pray for it to heal? And it did.’

‘Yes, that’s why I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth!’

Jesus leaned into him and whispered, ‘Before your cock grows today, you will deny that I healed it three times.’

Peter was too embarrassed to respond.

Jesus turned to the rest of the disciples and declared, ‘Now, ladies. Get your purses, bags, and sandals. We’re heading to the Mount of Olives!’

x
This website is using cookies. Nothing insidious, just for the post rating system. That's Fine