Moses Wants Answers
22 After his confrontation with the Israelite foremen, Moses was feeling pretty annoyed and unappreciated. So, he went to the Lord and he asked, ‘What the hell were you thinking? 23 When I went to Pharaoh to ask for my people to be freed, he just made them work even harder!’
The Lord replied, ‘Did you do the snake trick?’
‘You mean where I put my hand inside my…’
‘No!’ interrupted the Lord. ‘The one where you turn your staff into a snake!’
‘Well… no…’ replied Moses awkwardly.
‘Well, there’s your problem!’ snapped the Lord. ‘I suppose I’ll have to do all the work with my own mighty hands.’
Moses stood in silence.
2 God continued, ‘I am Yahweh. I told Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob to call me God Almighty, 3 but I didn’t let them know my true name: Yahweh.’
‘Jesus, are you always this impertinent? I’m trying to get across to you how truly special you are, you snivelling lump of detritus!’
Moses wanted to respond, but he said nothing.
4 God went on, ‘I also gave them the land of Canaan as an eternal gift.’
Moses wanted to protest that despite God’s promise, the descendants of Jacob were living as slaves in Egypt, but he held his tongue.
5 And God continued his speech, ‘When I heard the groaning of the Israelites, I remembered my promise to them. Would you believe, it just slipped my mind for four centuries?’ God chuckled to himself. 6 ‘So, I want you to say to the Israelites, “I am the Lord, and I will rescue you from the Egyptians!”’
‘You want me to pretend to be you?’
God was growing irritated. ‘No! I am the Lord! Tell them, “I will free you from slavery and I will save you with great judgements!” which means I’m going to fuck with Pharaoh and the Egyptians.’ God giggled to himself. 7 ‘“I will take you as my own special people and I will be your God, and you’ll have to go around telling people how awesome it was that I saved you from the Egyptians! 8 I’ll bring you to the land that I promised to your ancestors, for I am Yahweh!’
Just then, a fanfare sounded, and lights appeared in the sky spelling out ‘Yahweh’.
‘Well?’ sighed God. ‘I expected you to be awestruck! Seriously, a little genuflection wouldn’t go amiss!’
9 ‘The… lights were pretty,’ offered Moses.
10 ‘Oh, fuck you!’ spat God. 11 ‘Just get your arse to Pharaoh and tell him to let your people go!’
12 ‘But the Israelites didn’t listen to me, and Pharaoh won’t listen to me, and this morning while I was shaving, the razor slipped, and I circumcised my lips, so now I have this awful lisp…’
13 Suddenly, the Lord caused Aaron to appear in a flash of light. Then he repeated his instructions to Aaron.
Now, for no reason, here’s a genealogy.
Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘See, now that’s how you take instruction! I will make you a god to Pharaoh, and Aaron will be your dynamic sidekick. 2 You will perform magic tricks, and Aaron will say what I tell him to. You’ll be the greatest double-act since Penn & Teller!’
Moses and Aaron shot each other confused looks and shrugged.
3 The Lord continued, ‘And just when Pharaoh is willing to let you go, I will harden his heart so that he won’t listen. 4 That’s when I get to do all kinds of depraved things to him! 5 And everyone will know that I’m a fucking badass!’
6 By the time the Lord had finished speaking, 7 Moses was 80 years old, and Aaron was 83.
8Then the Lord said, ‘Now, when Pharaoh asks you to perform your best trick, throw down your staff and it will become a snake!’
9 Aaron chimed in, ‘I can do that trick too!’ and he threw his rod onto the ground, and behold, it became a snake.
‘Steal my fucking thunder, why don’t you,’ moaned Moses.
And Aaron stuck out his tongue and walked away.