Moses Learns Some Magic Tricks
Moses answered, ‘What if nobody believes I’ve been talking to God? Surely, nobody will accept such an outlandish claim without evidence.’
2 The Lord replied, ‘What’s that in your hand?’
‘Quit changing the subject!’
‘No, seriously, what’s that in your hand?’
‘It’s my shepherding staff,’ sighed Moses. ‘Why?’
3 ‘Throw it on the ground.’
The Lord’s anger waxed hot. ‘Just throw it on the fucking ground!’
So, Moses threw his staff to the ground, and behold, it became a snake! Moses squealed and ran away.
‘Hey!’ yelled the Lord. ‘Come back!’
Moses returned warily. ‘A snake… Why’d it have to be a snake?’
4 Then the Lord commanded, ‘Reach out and take the snake by the tail.’
‘Piss off!’ spat Moses.
‘Just do it!’ bellowed the Lord.
So, Moses took the snake by its tail, and it magically transformed back into a staff.
5 ‘See!’ chided the Lord. ‘I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to my special little guy.’
Moses was still in shock.
6 ‘Now,’ said the Lord, ‘put your hand inside your cloak.’
So, Moses put his hand into his cloak and took hold of his trouser snake, and it turned hard as a staff in his hand.
7 ‘Now take it out,’ ordered the Lord. And when he saw what Moses had in his hand, he cried, ‘Eww! Put it back! That is not what I was going for!’
Moses hung his head in shame.
8 ‘Well,’ remarked the Lord, ‘If they don’t pay attention to the trick with the staff, that second trick is definitely going to get their attention!’
9 The Lord continued, ‘If they still don’t believe you, take some water from the river and pour it on the ground, and it will become blood before their very eyes!’
10 Then Moses said, ‘Pardon me for saying, but I’m shit at speaking in front of people.’
11 ‘Who gave humans their mouths?’ yelled the Lord.
‘Atum?’ offered Moses.
12 ‘The Egyptian gods aren’t real, you dunderheaded simpleton!’ fumed the Lord. Then he mellowed and said, ‘Look, if you’re really worried, I’ll hold up cue cards.’
13 ‘Can’t you send someone else?’
14 The Lord was positively incensed, ‘You know what? I’m not used to getting all this backtalk from humans! Abraham was so obedient, he was willing to sacrifice his son to me!’
‘Wait, you asked someone to kill their own son?’
15 The Lord grew flustered, ‘W…well. Look, if you’re not going to do it, I can offer the job to your brother Aaron. 16 I was just going to let him be your sidekick, but I could just as easily hand the whole thing over to him!’
‘I have a brother?’ said Moses tearing up. ‘I never knew I had a brother. Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me?’
17 ‘Yes, and he’s coming out to meet you. Now just take your stick and fuck off!’
18 So, Moses went back to see his father-in-law Jethro, and he said, ‘Hey, I need to go run some errands in Egypt.’
‘Oh, fair enough,’ replied Jethro without a second thought.
19 Now the Lord had told Moses that it was safe to go back to Egypt, because Pharaoh was dead and had been succeeded by another, 20 so Moses took his wife and sons, and they all rode donkeys back to Egypt.
21 While they were riding, the Lord told Moses, ‘When you arrive, perform those magic tricks I taught you for Pharaoh. 22 He’ll be willing to let the Israelites go, but I’ll fuck with his freewill and make him change his mind.’
‘Wait, why are you going to do that?’ asked Moses.
23 The Lord breathed a huge sigh, and said, ‘Because I want to take out some of my anger on him, okay? Now, when he refuses to let you go, threaten to kill his son.’
‘Jesus!’ exclaimed Moses.
24 A while later, Moses and his family arrived at a rest stop. Moses was just getting a coke from the vending machine when the Lord appeared and tried to kill him. 25 Thinking quickly, his wife Zipporah took out a piece of flint and lopped off her son’s foreskin.
26 Seeing this display of flagrant genital mutilation, the Lord screamed, ‘Your wife’s a fucking psycho!’ and ran away shrieking.
‘Now look what you made me do,’ scolded Zipporah shaking the foreskin in his face.
27Later that day, Moses met his long-lost brother Aaron in the wilderness, and they had a tearful reunion. 28 Moses related everything that had happened in Midian, 29 and Aaron told him of how he’d been working with the Lord for years. 30 He assured him that he’d performed miracles for the Israelites, so they were already sold on this whole God idea. 31 And as the sun set over the Mountain of God, the brothers knelt down and prayed.
31 And as the sun set over the Mountain of God, the brothers knelt down and prayed.