Moses Can't Keep It Up [draft]
Moses Can’t Keep It Up
8 While the Israelites were still at Rephidim, a nomadic tribe called the Amalekites came to attack them. 9 When Moses saw them coming, he turned to the nearest person, a young man named Joshua, and he said, ‘I’m going to go and stand on that hill and take my staff in my hand.’
‘You’re thinking about masturbating at a time like this?’ exclaimed Joshua.
‘No, it’s magic!’ retorted Moses.
‘It may be for you, but really, man, we need to deal with these Amalekites!’
Moses sighed. ‘Go and pick out our best fighters. I’m going up the hill with Aaron and Hur.’
‘You’re taking your brother and your friend?’ shrieked Joshua. ‘You’re sick, dude!’
‘Just fucking do it!’
10 So, Joshua and a group of men went and fought the Amalekites, while Moses took his brother and his friend up the hill. 11 When Moses raised his staff, the Israelites were able to overpower the Amalekites.
12 After many hours, Moses’s arms were getting tired, and he lowered his staff. The Amalekites immediately started winning. Aaron and Hur rushed forwards and grabbed Moses’s hands so that he could raise his staff again. So, the Israelites began to win again.
‘Jesus Christ!’ declared Aaron. ‘What the hell is this staff made of?’
13 Several hours later, all three men’s arms were getting tired. Hur looked around, and he found two sticks. He propped them under Moses’s arms and tied them to his wrists to keep them upright.
When Joshua looked up and saw what was happening on the hill, he yelled, ‘Bloody hell! Moses is having so much trouble ejaculating, they’ve resorted to bondage!’
14 By sunset, the battle was over, and the Israelites had won. Moses came rushing down the hill, and he said to the crowd, ‘I want this to be written on a scroll: “Joshua defeated the Amalekites”.’
‘Why?’ replied the crowd.
‘Because I don’t want anyone to remember that the Amalekites existed.’
‘Wait, that makes no sense,’ sighed the crowd.
‘Just do it!’ commanded Moses.
15 Moses built an altar, and he called it Yahweh-Nissi, which means, ‘My God, my arms are aching.’ 16 But he knew that this wouldn’t be the last the Israelites would hear of the Amalekites, and that they’d be at war with them for generations to come.