16 Now the Lord said to Moses, ‘I’ve got another plague to inflict on the Egyptians.’
‘I’m listening,’ replied Moses.
‘Yep,’ said the Lord feeling pleased with himself. ‘They’re going to be so itchy!’ he laughed.
‘Let me guess,’ moaned Moses, ‘he’s still not going to let the Israelites go? This is just another excuse for you to get your jollies!’
‘Listen, shit stain!’ hissed the Lord. ‘I am God, the alpha and the omega! You might not understand my reasoning, but that’s tough fucking luck! Now go and tell your brother to do his thing, and I’ll smite the Egyptians with lice. Okay?’
‘Fine,’ sighed Moses, and he left to give Aaron God’s instructions.
17 Aaron raised his staff and struck the ground causing a cloud of dust to waft into the air. As the dust settled, it became a swarm of lice, which descended upon the Egyptians. 18 And everyone in the land, both human and animal, was itchy as hell.
19 Pharaoh’s magicians said to him, ‘You really must have done something to piss of the god of the Hebrews.’
But Pharaoh paid them no attention as his heart was hard, and he was too busy scratching his back against a pillar.
20 While the Egyptians were still itchy from the lice, the Lord told Moses, ‘Pharaoh is going to bathe in the river to relieve his itching. Now’s the perfect time to confront him and ask him to let my people go. 21 Tell him that if he doesn’t, I’m going to send a plague of flies!’
‘Flies?’ replied Moses rolling his eyes. ‘After the river turned to blood and all the frogs died, the place is already crawling with flies!’
22 The Lord shot him a dirty look. ‘However, in Goshen where the Hebrews live, there will be no flies. 23 See, that way the Egyptians will know that the flies aren’t just there because of the stink; they’re a plague.’
Moses walked off shaking his head.
24 The next day, the Lord sent his plague of flies, which sent the Egyptians into a frenzy of swatting and cursing.
25 Pharaoh, who was now red raw from scratching, sent for Moses and Aaron, and he commanded them, ‘For fuck’s sake, do something about these lice and flies! I can’t take any more of this!’
‘Let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness and make sacrifices to our God, then,’ replied Moses. ‘Once we’ve done that, God will stop the plagues.’
‘Three days?’ shrieked Pharaoh. ‘I can’t wait that long! Make your sacrifices here.’
26 ‘We can’t do it here!’ protested Moses. ‘We know that Egyptians find animal sacrifices barbaric for some reason. They’d get all offended and stone us or something. 27 Just let us go to the wilderness as the Lord our God commanded.’
28 ‘Fine, but can you get God to take away the flies now? This is killing me.’
29 ‘Okay, I’ll have it done by tomorrow.’
30 So, Moses prayed to the Lord to take away the flies, 31 and the Lord smote the land with his mighty flyswatter and killed the flies. 32 But as soon as the flies were dead, Pharaoh’s heart hardened again, and he changed his mind about letting the Israelites go.