MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Exodus > Moses

Let My People Go!

Exodus 5

Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh, and Aaron declared, ‘The Lord said we could go and pray in the wilderness. Let my people go!’

2 ‘Who the hell is this “the Lord”?’ sneered Pharaoh.

3 ‘The God of the Hebrews,’ replied Aaron.

‘The God of eyebrows? I’ve never heard of him…’

‘No, the Israelites!’

‘Oh, Hebrews!’ cried Pharaoh. ‘If you guys could just pick one demonym, that would be helpful.’

3 ‘Well? Are you going to let us go?’ asked Aaron.

‘No. I don’t know this “the Lord” guy, and even if I did, I’m the pharaoh.’

‘Wait, “Pharaoh” is your title?’ said Moses. ‘I thought that was your name! What is your name then?’

‘Come on. My name is common knowledge! Do you really expect anyone to believe that you’ve been living in Egypt all this time but don’t know the name of the pharaoh? It would be kind of like if it wasn’t mentioned in any of the Egyptian records that a group called the Israelites/Hebrews have been here for 430 years working as slaves!’

‘Look,’ said Aaron, ‘if you don’t let us go, or our God is going to smite you with plagues.’

4 ‘Oh, fuck off!’ spat Pharaoh. ‘We’ve got a tight schedule here, and you’re keeping people from their work.’ 5 And he had them thrown out of the palace.

6 On that day, Pharaoh made a decree: 7 ‘Don’t give the Israelites any straw; make the lazy bastards get it themselves! 8 But don’t reduce the brick quota; they still have to make as many bricks as before.’ 9 Then he began to grumble to himself, ‘Bloody slaves with their stupid made up gods trying to slack off!’

10 So, the slave drivers and the Israelite foremen told the slaves what Pharaoh had decreed. 11 The slave drivers forced them to work even harder, 12 but the Israelites slaves struggled to keep up with the demand. 13 When they couldn’t meet the quota, the Israelite foremen were beaten. 14 Of course, this could have all been prevented if God had just used his omnipotence to teleport the Israelites out of there, but, you know, mysterious ways and all that.

15 The foremen, who were getting sick of being beaten, went to Pharaoh to complain about their treatment. ‘How do you expect us to gather straw on top of making bricks?’ they moaned. 16 ‘We don’t have enough time to do both! Why are you doing this?’

17 Pharaoh rebuked, ‘Because you’re a bunch of lazy bastards, that’s why! Expecting time off to go trekking into the wilderness! 18 Has nobody explained the concept of slavery to you?’

‘Wait a second,’ objected the foremen. ‘We didn’t request any time off. Who asked for time off?’

‘Maybe you should go talk to Moses and Aaron!’

19 So, the foremen left Pharaoh and started back to the brickyard. 20 On the way, they bumped into Moses and Aaron, and they said to them, ‘What’s the big idea, you arseholes? 21 Because of you, we have to work twice as hard! May the Lord judge you harshly for doing this to your own people!’


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