MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Cruci-Fiction

The Kiss of Death

Matthew 26:44-56, Mark 14:40-52, Luke 22:47-53

Jesus returned to his disciples at the Mount of Olives, and once again, they were asleep. ‘Hey!’ he rebuked. ‘I’m going to be murdered by a bunch of sinners, and you’ve dozed off again!’

The disciples started to reply, but Judas appeared with the chief priests and the town elders, followed by an angry mob carrying pitchforks and torches.

Judas turned to the priests and whispered, ‘The one that I kiss will be Jesus.’

The priests looked at each other in bemusement.

Stepping towards Jesus, Judas said, ‘Greetings, Rabbi.’

Jesus sighed and said, ‘Do what you came to do.’

So, Judas went to him at once and kissed him passionately.

‘I wasn’t expecting that!’ exclaimed Jesus.

Two of the men grabbed Jesus and slapped handcuffs on him.

‘You bastards!’ yelled Peter rushing forwards. He drew his sword and sliced off the right ear of the priests’ servant Malchus who was standing minding his own business.

Malchus gripped his wound and cried, ‘Hey! What the hell?’

‘Put your sword back!’ ordered Jesus. ‘I could set an army of my angels on them if I wanted to!’

The people all gasped.

‘But I won’t,’ continued Jesus, ‘because I have to fulfil my destiny. You see, it is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.’

‘You’re just ripping off Charles Dickens!’ rebuked one of the priests. Then he told the men, ‘Take him to Sanhedrin!’

As they dragged Jesus off, the disciples all fled.

Just then, a young man, wearing nothing but a linen cloth, came out of nowhere, and started following Jesus singing ‘I’m a Little Teapot’ and thrusting his groin provocatively. When they seized him, he fled naked into the woods and was never heard from again.

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