The Kingdom of Heaven
The kingdom of Heaven is like a guy who went out to sow seeds in his field. 25 When he went to check on them, he found that weeds had grown amongst the wheat.
26 ‘His servant asked him, “How come you have weeds amongst your wheat stalks?”
27 ‘The man replied, “My enemies did it! Those bastards snuck out during the night and sowed weeds amongst my crops! They’re conspiring against me, I tell you!”
28 ‘His servant replied, “That’s not how it works. The seeds of weeds can be carried by wind or birds, and some weeds propagate from root systems. This isn’t a conspiracy against you; it’s just how plants grow. I was really asking why you haven’t gone and pulled the weeds out.”
29 ‘“No,” answered the man, “that’s what they want me to do! 30 I’m going to leave them to grow until harvest, then I’ll gather the weeds with the wheat and go through the tedious process of separating them out afterwards.”’
‘What became of that man?’ asked the disciples.
‘Oh, well he shot a bunch of people and now he’s in a mental asylum. But you’re missing the point of the parable!’
‘Erm… what was the point?’
31 ‘Ergh!’ cried Jesus, throwing up his hands. ‘You doubtful and perverse generation! How long shall I put up with you?’ Then he told them this parable: ‘The kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed, which, as you know, is the smallest seed ever.’
‘No, it isn’t,’ remarked Thomas. ‘There are orchids that have much smaller seeds.’
Jesus turned to Peter and said, ‘Slap him for me.’
And Peter did so.
32 ‘Now,’ continued Jesus, ‘as I was saying, despite mustard being the smallest seed, when it grows, it becomes a massive tree, the branches of which the birds can perch in.’
‘Mustard seeds don’t grow into trees!’ objected Thomas.
Jesus shot him a dirty look and yelled, ‘Which of us is the messiah?’
‘You…’ sighed Thomas sheepishly.
33 ‘Exactly! So, shut the fuck up and listen. The kingdom of Heaven is like the yeast that a woman mixed with about 500g of flour plus a little extra for dusting, 300ml of water, 2 teaspoons of salt, and 2 teaspoons of sugar. Now, when she baked the dough in the oven for 20 minutes at 220°C, do you know what she got?’
34 Thaddaeus called out, ‘A tree!’
Peter slapped him.
35 ‘No!’ grunted Jesus. ‘She made some hotdog buns! Now, the key thing here is, if you take that tiny mustard seed, grind it up, and make a paste, it goes great on hotdogs!’
36 Then Jesus left the crowd behind and went into his house. The disciples, who were still perplexed by his parables, followed him and said, ‘No, you’re not getting off that easily! Explain what the parables meant, or we’ll find another messiah to follow!’
‘Okay,’ he replied, ‘the farmer is the Son of Man, 38 the field is the world, and the seed is kingdom of God. 39 The servant is the sceptic, who will point out all of the logical flaws in my arguments. I hate that guy! 40 Now, the harvest is when I’ll send my angels to reap souls for me. 41 They’ll come out of the sky with golden sickles, impaling all of the believers and sending their souls to Heaven. 42 Now as for the weeds, I’m going to cast them into a fiery furnace, where they were weep and cry out for mercy! Their skin will blister, and their blood will boil, and they will be in agony for eternity!!!’
The disciples were visibly disturbed.
‘But why would you do such a thing?’ asked Andrew nervously.
43 ‘Because I love everyone,’ replied Jesus.
‘You’re going to burn people forever because you love them?’
Jesus was confused. ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘What part of eternal torture isn’t an act of kindness?’
His disciples started to back away.
44 ‘No, don’t go! Let me tell you another one. The kingdom of Heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. 45 But when he dug it up and opened the chest, all he found was some mustard seeds.’
They continued to walk towards the door.
46 Jesus called after them, ‘Again, the kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls; if you grind him up and make a paste...’
The disciples left, shaking their heads.