Keeping It in the Family
46 After Jacob had left for Haran, Rebekah said to Isaac, ‘You know, I’m worried that Jacob might marry a Hittite instead of one of his relatives, as is the family tradition. I swear, if he marries any of those filthy Hittites, I’m going to kill myself.
So, Isaac called Jacob back from Haran and decided to bless him again. 2 Then he grew stern and said, ‘Don’t you dare go marrying a Canaanite! Both your mother and I were raised racist, and our family has been incestuous for centuries. 3 Who are you to shit all over our traditions? 4 Sure, your kids might end up being freakish mutants like your brother Esau, but it’s the family way, damn it! 5 Now go to Haran and marry one of your cousins!’
‘That’s weird,’ replied Jacob. ‘I was just at Haran with my cousins, and you called me all the way back, even though you know Esau wants to kill me.’
5 So Jacob returned to Padan-aram (aka Haran, aka Aram Naharaim) to marry one of the daughters of his Uncle Laban, son of Bethuel, brother of his mother Rebekah.
6 When Esau heard that his father had blessed Jacob yet again, he was really pissed off. 7 At this point, he was nothing but a walking scab after the incident where his brother had stolen his skin, but he decided to go and find a wife anyway. 8 He had taken the bigotry of his parents to heart, so he knew he couldn’t marry any of those savage Canaanites. 9 He went off to the desert where his Uncle Ismael lived, and married his cousin Mahalath, Ishmael’s daughter but not his daughter Nebaioth. He’d already had several Canaanite wives, which he decided to hold onto, because, despite being vermin, they were really good in bed.