MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Gospels > Cruci-Fiction

Judas is Well-hung

Matthew 27:1-10, Acts 1:18-19

Early the next morning, the chief priests and community elders prepared to have Jesus executed. They handcuffed him and handed him over to Pilate, the governor. When Judas heard this, he was stricken with guilt for aiding them in Jesus’s capture.

He went to the priests and elders and said, ‘I am returning the money you gave me. I can’t be party to this. I only wanted Jesus to be locked up, not killed!’

‘You knew what you were getting yourself into,’ they replied.

‘Bollocks!’ he yelled, and he cast the money onto the floor of the temple and left.

‘What should we do with this money?’ the priests asked each other.

An old priest, who had been watching the whole thing from a dark corner of the temple, stepped forwards and said, ‘You cannot keep that money, for it is cursed! It’s blood money, I tell you, blood money! If you don’t rid yourself of this evil money, there will be a curse on all of your houses!’ He pointed a bony shaky finger at the priests accusingly.

The priests looked at each other, and one piped up, ‘He’s right. We have to get rid of it, lest we die!’

The priests turned to thank the old man, but he was nowhere to be seen.

‘Where the fuck did he go?’ they asked.

After Judas had left the temple, feeling that he couldn’t live with his guilt anymore, he decided to top himself. He bought the potter’s field with the money that he’d already given to the priests because it was illegal to die on other people’s property.

He walked to the middle of the field, where an old tall tree was growing. He climbed up as high as he could, tied a length of rope around a branch, and formed a noose at the end. Then he looked around for a stool to stand on.

On the edge of the field, there was a small potting shed, so Judas decided to check inside. He opened the door, and a rake fell out, nearly hitting him. ‘Fuck’s sake!’ he griped, dodging the rake.

He rummaged around and finally found a large wooden bucket. He thought this would work in place of a stool, so he picked it up and turned to take it back to the tree. Just then, he tripped over the rake, fell headlong, and burst his body, spilling his intestines everywhere!

Undeterred, he stood back up, scooped his bowels into the bucket, and staggered off towards the tree, leaving a trail of blood behind him. He was determined to commit suicide even if it killed him!

Back at the tree, he stood trembling as he placed the noose around his neck with one hand and held his intestines in with the other. And so, Judas kicked the bucket. And it is from this that we get the saying, ‘back at the tree’.

Later that day, the priests took the money that Judas had given them, with the intention of buying the potter’s field as a burial place for people who weren’t worth interring in tombs, such as foreigners. When they arrived, they found Judas dead, hanging from the tree with his intestines spilling onto the ground.

And so, they named that field Akeldama, which means, ‘bloody hell!’

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