Joseph: Prison Dream-Diviner!
Some weeks later, the baker and the royal cupbearer offended 2 Pharaoh by baking a suggestive cake and doing some lewd and unnatural things with a cup, 3 so he threw them in jail with Joseph. 4 The chief warden instructed Joseph to keep his eye on them especially.
After serving two months of their sentence, 5 the two men had a dream on the same night. I know, right? Two men dreaming on the same night; what are the odds? 6 The next morning, Joseph noticed that they had bags under their eyes, so he went to find out what was wrong.
7 ‘What’s up with you two?’ he asked them.
8 ‘We both had dreams,’ they replied.
‘Well, I know it sucks that we have to spend life in prison and we’ll never fulfil our dreams, but there’s no need to lose sleep over it.’
‘No,’ replied the men in chorus, ‘actual dreams.’
‘Oh? What’s so remarkable about that?’
‘We both had dreams on the same night!’
‘Jesus Christ!’ cried Joseph, stumbling backwards. ‘This means something. This is important. Please, tell me your dreams!’
9 So the royal cupbearer told Joseph his dream. He said to him, ’In my dream, 10 I saw a vine in front of me and 11 Pharaoh’s cup was in my hand, and I squeezed my grapes into Pharaoh’s cup and put the cup in his hand.’
12 Joseph was visibly perturbed. ‘This is what your dream means,’ he said. ‘You’re a pervert.’
The cupbearer started sobbing, so Joseph added, ‘13 But don’t worry, Pharaoh is going to forgive you, 14 and you’ll get to be his cupbearer again, 15 and when he does, please put a good word in for me.’
16 So the baker told Joseph about his dream. ‘I was wearing a hat made of bread, 17 and all these birds came down and kept pecking it, and I kept on trying to swat them away, and they just kept coming and coming. I ended up running into a house, and the birds were flying into the doors and the windows, and some of them flew down the chimney. It was just awful!’
18 ‘This is what your dream means,’ said Joseph. ‘The hat made of bread represents your mother, and the house represents your desire to be back in her womb.’
‘And the birds?’
‘Well, the birds represent your nagging doubts about your sexuality.’
‘I see, I see,’ replied the baker nodding.
19 Joseph continued, ‘And the end of the dream, where the birds start coming down the chimney represents the fact that Pharaoh is going to chop off your head and impale you on a spike.’
The baker kept nodding, but then suddenly he realised what Joseph had said.
‘What?’ he yelled.
‘Yeah, sorry, mate. You’re fucked.’
20 Three days later, on Pharaoh’s birthday, Pharaoh forgave the cupbearer 21 and gave him his old job back, 22 and he chopped off the baker’s head and impaled him on a spike. 23 Joseph anxiously waited for word that the cupbearer had spoken favourably of him to Pharaoh and he was pardoned, but sadly, the cupbearer forgot all about him as soon as he was in a position to molest tableware again.