Joseph and His Technicolour Screw Over
Jacob lived with his sons in the land of Canaan, the same land that his father had immigrated to.
2 One day, his 17-year-old son Joseph was out feeding the sheep with his brothers, the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah. After they had finished, Joseph told his father that his brothers were all arseholes.
3 Now Jacob, who was calling himself Israel at this point, loved Joseph more than any of his other children, because he was the son of his favourite wife. So, Israel gave Joseph a coat of many colours, and how he loved his coat of many colours. It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue. 4 When Joseph’s brothers saw that Joseph was getting special treatment, it really pissed them off, so they started to bully and play pranks on him.
5 One night, Joseph had a dream, and he told it to his brothers: 6 ‘We were out in the cornfield 7 when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves all shrivelled up and died.’
8 His brothers replied, ‘Are you calling us impotent, you cocky little shit?’
‘Then you all came and held your sheaves against mine…’
His brothers walked away.
9 The following night, he had another dream. He told his brothers, ‘I dreamed that I was mooning you, and you were all bowing down to worship my butt.’
10 When he told his father his dream, his father scolded him saying, ‘There’s something seriously wrong with you, son.’
11 After that, his brothers hated him even more, but his father still loved him.
12 Now Joseph’s brothers had gone to Shechem to tend their father’s flocks, 13 and Israel said to Joseph, ‘Stop loafing around the house, and go help your brothers.’
‘But Dad…’ he whined.
14 ‘Don’t “but Dad” me!’ replied Israel. ‘Get your arse out of the door!’
So, Joseph left and went to Shechem. When he arrived, 15 he found a man wandering around the fields, and he asked him, ‘What are you looking for?’
16 ‘My mind! I can’t find my mind!’ the man wailed.
‘Oh, okay… I don’t suppose you’ve seen my brothers?’
17 ‘They’ve passed on!’
‘What?’ exclaimed Joseph. ‘They’re dead?’
‘No,’ replied the man, ‘they went to Dothan.’
Joseph thanked the man and ran off in the direction of Dothan as quickly as his legs could carry him. 18 When his brothers saw him coming, they huddled together and started to scheme against him.
19 ‘Look, here comes that homoerotic dream-having little shit!’ they said to each other. 20 ‘Why don’t we chuck him in a pit, and we’ll tell Dad he was eaten by a wild animal?’
21 But Reuben replied, ‘Don’t kill him! 22 Just throw him in one of those pits.’
His brothers looked at him stunned. ‘That’s what we were planning in the first place…’
23 So, when Joseph drew near, his brothers grabbed him, stripped him naked, shaved off his eyebrows, 24 and threw him into a pit.
25 Tired from struggling with their brother, they sat down to have a picnic. Just then, a group of Ishmaelite traders passed by on their way from Gilead to Egypt. Their camels were laden with spices, balm, myrrh, and a small cage just big enough to carry a 17-year-old boy.
26 Judah said to his brother, ‘Hey, instead of killing our brother, 27 why don’t we sell him to the Ishmaelites?’
‘We’d already decided not to kill him, you idiot!’ his brothers replied. ‘But selling him is a good idea. We might as well make some money off him.’
28 However, while the brothers were busy plotting, some sneaky Midianites turned up out of nowhere and lifted Joseph out of the pit and sold him to the Ishmaelites. How they managed to do this without being seen by Joseph’s brothers, I don’t know. So anyway, the Ishmaelites took Joseph to Egypt.
29 When the brothers had finished plotting, Reuben looked in pit, and found that Joseph was gone.
‘No!!!!!’ he cried, tearing his clothes.
30 He turned to his brothers and said, ‘Someone rescued Joseph before we had a chance to sell him!’
31 So the brothers slaughtered a goat, and dipped Joseph’s coat in the blood.
32 When they got back home to their father, they wanted to break the news to him gently, so they said, ‘We have some bad news, Dad. Maybe you should sit down.’
When Israel sat down, they took a breath and yelled, ‘We found Joseph’s coat covered in blood! Obviously, a wild animal has torn him to shreds and eaten him! Imagine his cries of pain as the beast tore him limb from limb!’
Then they threw Joseph’s bloody coat in their father's face. 33 Israel tore his clothes and cried, ‘No!!!!!!!!!!’
34 After that, Israel climbed into a sack to mourn for his son. 35 All of his sons and daughters tried to persuade him to come out of the sack. They even left food out for him, but he still wouldn’t come out.
36 Meanwhile, the Ishmaelites, who had magically transformed into Midianites, arrived in Egypt, where they sold Joseph to Potiphar, the captain of Pharaoh’s guard.