Jacob is One Randy Bastard
31 When the Lord saw that Jacob didn’t love Leah even though he was still banging her like crazy, he decided that rather than making Jacob love her, he would make her super-fertile, because bringing kids into a loveless marriage solves everything. And Leah became pregnant.
32 When her first son was born, she named him Reuben, for she said, ‘After all that pushing, I could really do with a sandwich!’
33 Leah got pregnant again, and she called her second son Simeon, for he looked like a monkey.
34 And she got pregnant yet again, and she called her son Levi, saying, ‘I bet I’m not going to fit in my jeans after all these pregnancies.’
35 And she got pregnant yet yet again, and she called her son Judah, which means, ‘For fuck’s sake Lord, my pussy is hanging in tatters! Give it a rest!’
By this point, Rachel’s pelvis had fully healed, so Jacob lost interest in Leah.
When Rachel didn’t bear Jacob any children, she said to Jacob, ‘Impregnate me, or I’ll kill myself!’
2 Jacob grew angry with her and said, ‘My sperm worked on your sister! This sounds like a you problem!’
3 ‘How about if I let you screw my slave girl? I know that situation worked out badly for your grandfather Abraham, but I’m sure it will be fine for us.’
4 Jacob didn’t have to be told twice, so he shagged Bilhah and got her pregnant. 5 Now Rachel wasn’t too happy that her plan had worked. 6 She’d really hoped that God would have just given her the ability to have kids of her own, so when Jacob asked what to name the baby, she replied, ‘Damn!’ but Jacob misheard it as ‘Dan’.
7 Jacob continued to sleep with Bilhah behind Rachel’s back, and she ended up pregnant again. 8 Rachel named the child Naphtali, which means, ‘I can’t believe he’s still screwing her!’
9 Now Leah was getting kind of lonely, so she decided to offer Jacob a threesome with her and her slave girl. 10 So Jacob spent a night of blissful ménage à trois with Leah and Zilpah.
11 When Leah discovered that Zilpah was pregnant, she declared, ‘Egad!’ and so she named the resulting son Gad.
12 Then Jacob continued to sleep with Zilpah also, and he knocked her up again. 13 Leah was really hurt, so when Jacob asked her what to name the baby, she called him an asshole, which Jacob misheard as ‘Asher’.
14 Now Jacob was getting trim like nobody’s business. It got to the point where the four women had to devise a rota to determine who would sleep with Jacob each day. It came to pass, during the wheat harvest, that Reuben went out and found some mandrakes, and he brought them home to his mother Leah.
Rachel asked her, ‘Please, give me some mandrakes.’
15 But she responded, ‘Fuck off, you husband stealing hussy!’
‘If you give me some mandrakes, I’ll trade you my turn with Jacob.’
16 Leah agreed, and she went out to Jacob who was working in the fields and said, ‘You must come in me tonight. I bought you for some mandrakes.’
17 God listened outside their tent, and he enjoyed himself so much that he caused Leah to become pregnant. 18 She named her son Issachar, which means, ‘God is a pervert.’
19 Leah conceived again, 20 and her son was born with a massive cock, so she called him Zebulun, which means, ‘God, he’s well endowed!’
21 And she also had a daughter who she named Dinah, but girls aren’t important, so she doesn’t get a naming story. But don’t worry, she does get brutally raped in Genesis 33!
22 Then God remembered that Rachel wanted kids of her own, so he let her conceive. 24 And Rachel gave birth to a son and called him Joseph, which means both ‘God, childbirth is tiring’ and ‘Lord, I’m not going through that again.’