Isaac in, Ishmael out
Now the Lord visited Sarah and did something to her that resulted in her becoming pregnant. 2 Abraham was pleased, because he thought the child was his, 3 and he named him Isaac.
4 On Abraham’s 100th birthday, he decided to celebrate by hacking off his 8-day-old son’s foreskin. 5 He held a great feast, and all the people of Gerar attended. 6 Sarah even gave a speech where she said, ‘God has given me such pleasure.’
7 Abraham eyed her suspiciously, so she added, ‘I mean, allowing me to conceive at my age.’
8 When the bris was performed, everyone laughed thinking it was a magic trick. The laughter faded when the show ended without the foreskin being conjured back on.
9 Later in the evening, Sarah caught Ishmael playing with the severed foreskin like a rubber band, so she called to Abraham, ‘Look at what that dirty brat is doing! Tell Hagar to take Ishmael and get the fuck out!’
10 Just then, Ishmael accidently twanged the foreskin into Sarah’s face. She turned bright red and fumed, ‘That’s it! Not only are they going to leave the party, but I want them to move out of our house! And if you think that little fucker is getting an inheritance, you’ve got another think coming!’
11 Abraham didn’t really want to see Hagar go, because he was still using her for strange behind Sarah’s back. 12 But God said to him, ‘Don’t worry about your son and the slave woman. Do whatever you wife tells you to do, and I’ll take care of your son.’
‘“Take care of” my son?’ exclaimed Abraham. ‘You mean kill him?’
13 ‘What kind of god do you think I am?’ rebuked God. ‘Do you honestly think I want to see one of your sons dead?’
14 So early the next day, Abraham gave Hagar and Ishmael a sandwich each and a skin flask of water, and sent them off into the Desert of Beersheba. 15 However, this didn’t last them very long, and Hagar and Ishmael started to suffer from severe dehydration.
16 ‘I don’t want to watch you die, my son,’ Hagar said to Ishmael.
So, she picked him up and threw him a bush. Now Ishmael, who was 14 years old at this point, didn’t really enjoy being tossed into bushes, so he started to flail about trying to free himself. His mother, hearing this, decided to plug her ears and sing, ‘God said to Noah, “there’s gonna be a floody floody”,’ which was a popular folk song at the time.
17 God heard the boy struggling, so he sent an angel to Hagar, who said, ‘What have you done to your son?’
Hagar replied, ‘What?’ for she still had her fingers in her ears.
‘What have you done to your son?’
‘Oh, I threw him in a bush to die.’
18 ‘Why did you do that?’ quizzed the angel. Then he gestured towards a well. ‘There’s water right there!’
Hagar slapped her forehead, and said, ‘Duh! I thought that was a man hole.’
19 So Hagar freed Ishmael from the bush, and they both had a drink from the well.
20 Hagar and Ismael decided to move from the Desert of Beersheba to another desert called the Desert of Paran, for some reason. Ishmael took up archery and was able to provide them with plenty of food. 21 Hagar went down to Egypt to fetch Ishmael a wife, and God watched him become a man… three times in one night!