If You Want Blood (You Got It)
10 Moses and Aaron went to see Pharaoh just as the Lord had commanded them to.
‘Oh, it’s you again,’ moaned Pharaoh. ‘What do you want this time?’
Without saying a word, Moses threw his staff to the ground. Pharaoh looked at the staff, and behold… it was still a staff!
‘Um…’ said Pharaoh. ‘What was that in aid of?’
Aaron stepped forwards and threw down his staff, and it transformed into a snake. ‘Tada!’ he exclaimed.
‘Jesus Christ!’ cried Pharaoh. ‘Somebody do something!’
11 So, Pharaoh’s magicians stepped forwards and threw their staves on the ground, and they too transformed into snakes.
12 Pharaoh was growing agitated. ‘What the fuck is producing more snakes supposed to do?’
Meanwhile, Aaron’s snake slithered around the courtyard gobbling up the snakes of the magicians. It then crawled up Aaron’s leg and into his hand where it became a staff again.
‘Show off,’ grumbled Moses.
13 Pharaoh wasn’t at all impressed by Aaron’s magic trick, what with his hard heart and all, so he had Moses and Aaron thrown out of the palace, and they returned to the wilderness to talk to the Lord.
14 ‘That Pharaoh is so stubborn!’ complained the Lord. ‘I can’t believe he wouldn’t let the Israelites go!’
‘But you said you were going to harden his heart deliberately so that he wouldn’t!’ protested Moses.
‘Hey, I created people with free will!’ objected the Lord. ‘I’d never control someone like that!’
15 Moses began to speak again, but the Lord cut him off. ‘You know in the morning when Pharaoh goes out on the river in his barge? 16 I want you to stand on the bank and say, 17 “The Lord God of the Hebrews says, ‘Because you won’t let my people go so that they can worship me, I’m going to turn the river into blood. 18 The fish will die, the river will stink, you won’t be able to get drinking water, and forget going for a swim; nobody wants to swim in blood.’” 19 And tell Aaron to wave his staff over the water, say some mystical sounding words, and transform the water into blood. There will be blood in the rivers, blood in the ponds, blood in troughs, blood on the streets, blood on the rocks, blood in the gutter. Every last drop.’
So, the next morning, Moses and Aaron went out to the edge of the Nile, and Moses called out to Pharaoh on his barge.
‘What?’ yelled back Pharaoh.
Moses called out again. This is what Pharaoh heard, ‘The large glob of eyebrows sways, because you warned little people to go, so they can’t sing in key. I’m going to burn the liver in the mud. The fish won’t fry, the liver is pink. You want the maple or wet stinking water? And forget blowing on my shin; nobody went to sin, chin butt!’
‘Forget it,’ sighed Moses. ‘Aaron, do your thing.’
20 So, Aaron waved his staff over the river, and it turned into blood. In fact, all the water in Egypt transmuted into blood.
21 ‘Eww!’ squealed Pharaoh. ‘Magicians, do something!’
22 And the magicians took a bucket of water that they had on the boat, which for some reason was still water, and they used their powers to change it into blood.
Pharaoh turned to his magicians and screamed, ‘Why the fuck did you do that? Now what are we supposed to drink?’
The magicians looked at each other, then back at Pharaoh, and shrugged.
23 Pharaoh didn’t listen to Moses and Aaron, because of his hard heart, but instead he stormed off back to his palace. 24 He ordered the Egyptians to dig along the river to try to find water, but alas, there was no water to be found.