How to Plan a Genocide
Now the Lord told Moses, ‘This will be my final plague, and it’s going to be a doozy. After this, Pharaoh will let you and the Israelites go.’
‘You mean, you’re going to stop hardening his heart?’ retorted Moses.
2 The Lord ignored him and continued, ‘Tell everyone to go to their neighbours and get anything made of silver or gold.’
‘You want them to rob them?’ exclaimed Moses.
‘No! The Egyptians will be willing to give the stuff freely.’
‘Really?’ asked Moses sceptically. ‘After all the horrible stuff you’ve done to them?’
3 ‘Well… let’s just say, I’ll make them favourably disposed to them.’
‘Or, in other words, you’re going to fuck with their free will, meaning we’ll be taking their valuables against their will, which is stealing!’
‘Meh,’ replied the Lord.
Moses shook his head and sighed.
4 So, Moses went to Pharaoh and said, ‘This is what the Lord says…’
‘Wait,’ replied Pharaoh, ‘I thought you weren’t ever coming back.’
‘Erm…’ answered Moses awkwardly. ‘I changed my mind. Anyway, “At midnight tonight, I’m going to go floating through Egypt…”’
‘You can float?’ exclaimed Pharaoh.
5 ‘No! These are God’s words. Stop interrupting! God says he’s going to float through Egypt killing the firstborn sons of you, your people, your slaves, and your animals.’
‘But he already killed all of my animals!’ objected Pharaoh.
6 ‘I know!’ snapped Moses. ‘I’m just delivering the bloody message! 7 He’s going to kill a lot of people, but he’s not going to touch the Israelites.’
‘Well, I didn’t expect he would kill the people he’s trying to free…’
8 Moses’s anger waxed hot. ‘After this happens, your advisors will beg you to let us leave, and we’ll go!’ And with that, he left.
9 Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘He’s not going to let you go, you know.’
‘What?’ screamed Moses. ‘Then what’s the fucking point? I thought this was the last plague!’
10 ‘Oh, it is, but I won’t let him let you go until after I’ve sent the final plague.’
‘Well, that’s what I expected!’ yelled Moses. ‘I thought you meant that he wouldn’t let us go at all! Don’t scare me like that!’