MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Holy Mother of Christ! [draft]

Luke 1

26 When Elizabeth was six months pregnant, 27 God sent Gabriel to Nazareth, Galilee to a virgin called Mary who was engaged to a guy called Joseph. 28 Mary was just getting into the shower when the angel appeared next to her.

‘Greetings,’ said Gabriel.

29 ‘Fudge nuggets!’ exclaimed Mary grabbing a towel to cover herself.

30 Gabriel looked her up and down, and said, ‘You’re highly favoured by the Lord.’

‘I don’t give a snickerdoodle if I am highly favoured. Get the H E double-hockey sticks out of my shower!’

31 ‘Don’t be afraid. You’re going to have a baby.’

‘Oh, gosh golly!’ gasped Mary. ‘You’re here to rape me!’

‘No,’ protested Gabriel. ‘I’m an angel sent by God.’

‘Oh… That would explain the wings and the glowing.’

32 ‘You will have a son, and he’ll be called Jesus, the son of the Most High. 33 He’ll reign over the Israelites for ever and appear on people’s cheese sandwiches.’

‘How can this be?’ she stuttered.

‘Well, you take two pieces of bread and a slice of cheese, and when you toast the bread…’

34 ‘No,’ interrupted Mary. ‘How will I have a baby? I’m a virgin.’

‘The Holy Spirit will come on you.’

35 Mary retorted, ‘I’m a virgin, and even I know that’s not how it works!’

‘You’re engaged to be married, yet you can’t fathom how, despite currently being a virgin, you could possibly give birth in the future!’ spat Gabriel. ‘You’re not in any position to lecture anyone on reproductive biology! Anyway, it’s going to be a miracle.’

‘Fair enough,’ sighed Mary.

36 ‘By the way, your cousin Elizabeth is six months pregnant. 37 Again, it’s a miracle, because she’s old.’ 38 And with that, he disappeared.

Matthew 1

18 When Mary’s fiancé Joseph found out that she was pregnant, 19 he decided to do the decent thing and leave her to raise the child as an unwed mother in a society that considered such things be sinful.

20 One night as he lay sleeping, an angel appeared to him in a dream, saying, ‘Joseph, don’t be afraid to take Mary as a wife.’

‘But she’s been cheating on me and got herself knocked up!’ objected Joseph.

21 ‘No, the child is the son of God.’

‘Oh great!’ snorted Joseph. ‘Mary cheated on me with God, and I had to find out by angelgram!’

‘No,’ protested the angel. ‘He did it by unsubstantial insemination.’

Joseph was confused. ‘So, there was no penetration?’

‘Yup. Now, you must name the child Jesus, which means “he who will be nailed to wood”.’ 22 This fulfils the prophecy in Isaiah 7:14 that says: ‘Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: the virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel,’ 23 even though this prophecy was supposed to occur within the lifetime of King Ahaz of Judah, and Jesus was never called Immanuel.

24 When Joseph awoke, he went and married Mary, 25 but he didn’t consummate the marriage, because he was worried about getting Holy Spirit semen on his pecker.

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