The Hideous Face of Moses [draft]
29 When Moses came down the mountain with the tablets of the Ten Commandments in his hands, all the Israelites were astonished.
30 Aaron ran up to him and exclaimed, ‘Jesus Christ! What’s wrong with your face?’
‘Are you calling me ugly?’ spat Moses.
‘No. Your face is all red and shiny! You look like a glazed ham!’
‘Oh,’ replied Moses. ‘God farted in my face. I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘What?’ screamed Aaron. ‘Did he light it?’
‘No. It’s long story. Please, just drop it.’
‘Okay. You’re going to have to put something on it though…’
‘What, like ointment?’
‘No, like a bag! You look hideous! People are going to be scared to come near you!’
‘Gee, thanks,’ groaned Moses.
Aaron pointed to the Israelites who were cowering behind the doors of their tents like skittish animals, and he said, ‘Look at them, they’re terrified!’
31 ‘Call the elders here,’ ordered Moses. ‘We’ll see what they think.’
So, Aaron called the elders over, and they reluctantly came.
‘Holy shit!’ cried one of them. ‘What the fuck happened to you?’
Aaron went to answer, but Moses interrupted, ‘Nothing. Just ignore it.’
‘We can’t ignore it!’ objected another. ‘You look like that time when Leshem accidentally set fire to his scrotum!’
‘No,’ argued another, ‘he looks more like when Nehemiah fell off his camel and scraped all the skin off his arse!’
‘He looks like…’ began yet another.
‘Hey!’ yelled Moses. ‘Shut the fuck up!’
‘See what I mean?’ said Aaron. ‘Has anyone got a veil or something?’
‘Yeah, my wife has a spare,’ replied one of the elders.
‘Fetch it, and we’ll have him reasonable to look at in no time!’ declared Aaron.
32 Once the veil was fastened over Moses’s face, he gathered all of the people together to teach them the Ten Commandments. 33 When he had finished, he asked, ‘Any questions?’
Hands shot up everywhere in the crowd, and a woman shouted, ‘What’s wrong with your face?’
‘I meant about the commandments!’ fumed Moses.
Everyone put their hands down.
Aaron whispered to him, ‘You’re going to have to tell them something.’
‘Fine,’ moaned Moses. He called to the crowd, ‘Look, a lot of rumours have been circulating about my face.’
The people all muttered amongst themselves.
Moses continued, ‘I just want to set things straight. I have a terrible cold sore.’
The Israelites groaned, and a man shouted, ‘What? All over your face?’
‘Yeah,’ cried another. ‘You look like gonorrhoea and herpes had a baby!’
They all fell about laughing.
Moses bellowed, ‘It got infected! It’s not nice to make fun of the diseased!’
The people were rolling around on the floor. Moses left in a huff.
34 So from that day on, any time Moses went to talk to God, he would remove the veil from his face, 35 but whenever he returned to the people, he put it back on.