For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

Grillin' with God

Leviticus 1

The Lord called Moses to the tent of meeting with a very important message. ‘I am absolutely furious!’ fumed the Lord.

‘Why this time?’ sighed Moses.

‘Nobody is barbecuing animals for me the right way! How the fuck do you expect me, the Lord your God, to eat anything less than perfectly cooked food?’

‘But you swore never to reveal your signature recipe!’

‘Well I am now, shithead!’ screamed the Lord. ‘If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s bad cooking! 2 So, you are to speak to the Israelites and tell them this recipe.’

3 To make God’s signature burnt offering, that tasty treat with a pleasing aroma that makes the Lord’s mouth water, you will need a bull without defect or a sheep without blemish. If you can’t find either of these, a dove or young pigeon will do.

Celestial Steaks

Step 1: Present the animal at the entrance to the tent of meeting so that the Lord can ensure that it’s of the finest quality.

Step 2: Lay your hand on the animal’s head and assure it that you’re its buddy and that nothing bad will happen to it.

Step 3: With the animal suitably placated, grab the hair on the back of its head, pull it back hard, and slash its fucking throat! The Lord will be eagerly watching as the life drains from its eyes. Note: if you’re slaughtering a sheep, this must take place at the north side of the altar, because everyone knows that sheep are magnetic and will always align themselves to the north.

Step 4: At this point, Aaron’s sons will step in to splash the blood all over the altar and the tent of meeting. This’ll have the Lord salivating!

Step 5: Skin the animal and cut it into good-sized steaks, not so thin that they cook too quickly all the way through but not so thick that they’re burnt on the outside and raw in the middle. Though the Lord likes to see blood being spilled, he refuses to eat it.

Step 6: By this time, Aaron’s sons will have got the barbecue up to cooking temperature, so they’ll toss the meat on the grill, including the head. The Lord loves to eat the look of betrayal right off the animal’s face!

Step 7: While the priests are grilling the meat, wash the internal organs and legs with water. It’s crucial that this step is performed at this point as washing the internal organs before the animal has been butchered is extremely unpleasant for everyone involved.

Step 8: Now the organs and legs can be placed on the barbecue alongside the steaks.

Step 9: Once the meat has been cooked to perfection, sprinkle with a little salt and serve.

Divine Doves

Step 1: The priest will bring the bird to the altar and wring its neck so hard that its head pops off. The head is immediately thrown on the barbecue.

Step 2: He will drain the blood all over the altar. Sometimes, it’s necessary to squeeze the bird to ensure that enough blood spurts out.

Step 3: Now the bird is plucked and its giblets are removed. The feathers and giblets should be thrown at Aaron; he’s been getting a little too cocky lately.

Step 4: With great skill, the priest will tear the bird open by the wings ensuring not to split it completely in two; this allows it to be spatchcocked. Note: spatchcocking is not a sex act, and if any of you are caught pleasuring the poultry, you’ll be stoned to death!

Step 5: Now the bird can be placed on the barbecue next to the head.

Step 6: When the bird is cooked, season with the Lord’s secret blend of eleven herbs and spices and serve.

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