God Writes His Memoirs
An audio version of this story is available below.
There once was a god called God, who decided to write his memoirs using a series of ghost-writers, or prophets as he called them. He wrote about many things, from fanciful just-so stories to his ruminations on ethics.
Over many centuries, and a lengthy editorial process, he published many volumes of his memoirs in Hebrew. He later compiled many of these into an anthology called the Tanakh.
He took a brief hiatus of a few centuries, after which he began writing again. By this time, Hebrew had gone out of fashion, so he chose to write in the trendy new Koine Greek. As he had recently become a father, his new memoirs focused primarily on his son, Jesus.
Eventually, he collected enough material to compile a second anthology, a sequel to the Tanakh called the New Testament. This proved just as popular as his earlier work.
Many of his new readers wanted to read the Tanakh, as there were many plot elements in the New Testament that didn’t make sense in isolation, but they couldn’t read Hebrew. So, God decided to produce a Greek translation of the Tanakh, and he gave this new edition the name Septuagint. Again, this anthology was well received.
As the centuries rolled by, God published many editions of his anthologies, but the public started to complain that many of the volumes were offensive to their modern sensibilities. After much debate among his fans, God hired a team of highly skilled editors called the Council of Trent to select which volumes were of interest to the modern reader and which should be discarded. The result was a combined anthology he called the Bible, which contained both the Septuagint, now renamed the Old Testament, and the New Testament.