God Invents the Rainbow
Then God said to Noah, ‘Now you and your sons need to get down to some serious breeding.’
Noah replied, ‘You want me to breed with my sons?’
‘No, you moron!’ replied God, ‘Breed with your respective wives!’
2 God continued, ‘By the way, after spending all that time cramped up in the ark with you, all of the animals are scared of you. 3 But don’t worry; I’m giving you permission to eat them. 4 Just don’t eat their blood, because it’s icky 5 and I’ll kill you. Maybe I can explain it better with a poem.
‘Whoever sheds the blood of a man,
Shall have their blood shed.
Man was created in God’s image,
And God’s blood is red.
7 ‘Wasn’t that nice? Anyway, be sure to have lots of sex and lots of children.’
8 Then God said to Noah and his sons, 9 ‘I feel kind of shitty about that whole flood thing, so I’m going to make a promise to you and all your descendants, 10 and all of the animals 11 that I will never again destroy the world… with a flood.’
Noah replied, ‘Well, that’s a relief.’
Then God mumbled, ‘There might be an apocalyptic war or something…’
12 ‘Oh… nothing. Anyway, to commemorate this promise, I have invented the rainbow.’
13 Just then, a rainbow appeared in the sky, and they all looked up at it and marvelled.
14 God continued, ‘Look at that! Isn’t it beautiful? 15 Now whenever I see a rainbow, its pretty colours will soothe my wrath, 16 and I will remember not to flood the world, because it’s easy for that stuff to slip my mind. 17 But I swear, I won’t do it again, honest.’
18 The sons of Noah, in case you forgot, were called Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Ham had a son called Canaan; remember this, because it will become relevant later in the story. 19 And those three sons produced all the people of the world.