The 'Friendly' Samaritan
One day as Jesus was speaking, a lawyer decided to heckle him. ‘Rabbi,’ he called, ‘what must I do to inherit eternal life?’
26 ‘Who the fuck told you that you could get eternal life?’ rebuked Jesus.
The lawyer looked sheepish and then pointed, ‘Ira, the greengrocer.’
Jesus picked up the Torah and hurled it at the man, saying, ‘Have you ever read this book?’
The lawyer nodded.
Jesus sighed and said, ‘Turn to Deuteronomy 6 and read me verse 8.’
27 ‘Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads,’ recited the man. ‘But that doesn’t answer my question!’
28 Jesus shifted his weight awkwardly and muttered to himself, ‘Shit, I forgot the bloody verse number.’ Then he looked back at the man and said, ‘You say that because you don’t comprehend the deeper meaning.’
29 ‘And what’s the deeper meaning?’
30 Jesus replied, ‘There was this man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was attacked by a group of thugs. They stripped him naked, beat the shit out of him, and then left without even bothering to rob him.
31 ‘A little while later, a priest was travelling along the same road when he saw the man lying naked. Mistaking him for a choir boy, he sodomised him and then left.
32 ‘Ten minutes later, a Levite came walking by. He went over to the man, poured wine and oil on him, and set him on fire. Then he continued on his way chuckling to himself.
33 ‘Half an hour passed, and a Samaritan came along and he took pity on the man. 34 He just so happened to be carrying a first aid kit, so he bandaged the man’s wounds, and let him ride his ass all the way to the inn. 35 After a night of passionate lovemaking, he gave the man two denarii and left him to pay for both the room and the snacks he’d eaten from the minibar.
36 ‘Now, which of these men do you think was this man’s neighbour?’
‘The one who had mercy on him?’ ventured the lawyer.
‘No,’ sighed Jesus, ‘the one who lived next door to him!’
‘But how am I supposed to know which of them lived next door to him?’ objected the lawyer.
37 Jesus thought for a moment and replied, ‘Go fuck yourself.’