The Fear of God [draft]
18 After receiving the commandments (not referred to as the Ten Commandments here), Moses teleported back down the mountain.
When the Israelites felt the quaking of the mountain and saw the lightning emanating from the pillar of smoke at the top, they were terrified. God saw this, so he sent some of his angels to sound their trumpets loudly.
19 ‘Holy shit!’ yelled the people, scattering like cockroaches.
God was doubled over with laughter. ‘Look at them tripping over themselves!’ he chuckled. ‘You guys timed that perfectly!’
20 At the foot of the mountain, Moses was trying to calm the people. ‘It’s okay!’ he called over the thunder. ‘He won’t hurt you! He’s actually quite nice once you get to know him… or give him worship and offerings…’
‘But why’s he being so scary?’ whimpered the people.
‘I nearly died!’ cried one man.
‘I’ve pissed all over myself!’ moaned another.
‘It’s… erm… a test,’ said Moses. ‘Yeah. He’s testing to see if you will do as you’re told and stay behind this line.’ He drew a line in the soil with his staff.
21 The Israelites approached timidly, but Moses strode into the darkness of the cloud to talk to God.
22 The Lord said to him, ‘Those Israelites are so jumpy!’ He cackled inanely.
Moses sighed, ‘They’ve been through a lot…’
‘Do they fear me?’
‘Yes!’ scolded Moses.
‘Good, good. Anyway, do you remember that rule I made about carved images?’
23 ‘I’ve changed my mind. Change it to “gods of silver or gold” and “before” to “alongside”.’
‘Aww, come on!’ objected Moses. ‘It’s chiselled in stone!’
The Lord held his fingers like a gun and zapped the stone tablets, erasing the commandment. ‘Not anymore,’ he giggled.
‘Fine,’ huffed Moses. ‘Anything else?’
24 ‘Hmm, I’m getting hungry. Cook me up some barbecue. Sheep, goats, cattle, whatever. If you honour my name and give me barbecue, I’ll bless you. 25 Make an altar at the foot of the mountain. Don’t use any hewn stone, though. I want more of a natural look.’
‘Okay, I’ll get right on it,’ groaned Moses, and he turned to leave the cloud.
26 ‘Oh, and one more thing!’ called the Lord. ‘Don’t let any of the Israelites stand on the altar!’
‘Because it’s sacred,’ said Moses nodding.
‘No! You guys don’t wear underwear, and I don’t want any of your filthy cocks near my offering!’
Moses rolled his eyes and exited the cloud.