For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12

E.T. the Extra-biblical Tale

Acts 1

In my other book, Theophilus, I wrote about the Zombie Apocalypse that Jesus tried to instigate, 2 but you may not have heard about the day he was taken up to Heaven. 3 Let me assure you, he provided a lot of incontrovertible evidence to those he met. Unfortunately, this evidence has since been lost, but I assure you it’s true!!!

Luke 24

Early in the morning, three days after Jesus had been crucified, the women were on their way to anoint his body, 2 when they discovered that the stone had been rolled away from his tomb. 3 Shocked, they rushed towards the tomb just as a man wearing what looked like a spacesuit emerged. He tried to prevent them from entering, but they barged past him.

4 Inside, there were more of these ‘spacemen’ dressed in suits that shone like lightning, gathered around a big freezer where they were keeping Jesus’s body in a zip-lock bag for freshness.

5 As the women cowered in fright one of the men told them, ‘I’m sorry, he’s gone.’

‘We know he’s gone!’ spat Mary Magdalene. ‘We watched him being crucified!’

6 ‘No,’ replied the man, removing his helmet, ‘he came back to life briefly, but now he’s dead again.’

Mary rushed to the freezer and yelled, ‘Leave him alone! I can take care of him!’

7 ‘How the hell can you take care of him?’ retorted the man. ‘We’re angels, and even we can’t get him to resurrect!’

8 And it finally made sense to Mary what Jesus had meant when he said, ‘I’ll be back!’

9 So, the women rushed from the tomb to tell the Eleven what had happened. 10 By the way, I forgot to mention, the women were Mary Magdalene, Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and some others who I can’t be bothered to name.

When they found the disciples, Mary yelled, ‘Some weird space-angels are in Jesus’s tomb, and I think they’re going to dissect him!’

11 ‘Don’t be fucking stupid!’ rebuked Thomas. ‘Space-angels, indeed!’

12 Peter, however, jumped up and ran to the tomb to see for himself.

By the time he got to the tomb, the angels were gone, but they had left Jesus’s body in the freezer. He leaned over his beloved messiah-sicle and sobbed, ‘Look at what they've done to you! I'm so sorry. You must be dead!’

As he lay there weeping, he noticed the strange red glow that was illuminating the tomb. He looked around and then down at the freezer. It was coming from inside! Cautiously, he opened the lid and unzipped the bag.

Jesus looked up at him and said, ‘Christ almighty! This is one hell of a hangover!’

Just then, Peter heard a noise outside, so he started to zip up the bag.

Jesus screeched, ‘What the fuck are you…’ but Peter covered his mouth with his hand, continued to zip the bag shut, and slam the freezer closed.

As the Roman centurion entered, Peter slumped over the freezer and pretended to cry.

‘Hey!’ exclaimed the centurion. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I came to mourn Jesus’s second-passing,’ sniffled Peter.

‘Second-passing? And what in Jupiter’s name is this box?’

‘Erm… it’s an embalming chamber. Imported from Egypt. Those Egyptians are cutting-edge when it comes to preparing the dead.’

‘You’ve had your little cry, now piss off!’ scolded the centurion. ‘I’m going to have to post men outside the tomb to keep people from harassing the bleeding corpses!’

Peter ran from the tomb and met the other disciples coming up the hill towards him. ‘He’s alive! He’s alive!’ he cheered.

The disciples started to run towards the tomb, but Peter stopped them, saying, ‘No. The Romans have him under guard. We’ll have to come back this evening. Bring your bikes!’

That evening, the disciples and Mary Magdalene parked their bicycles behind the tomb.

Mary walked around to where the guards were standing. She leaned in to them and sighed, ‘My, what handsome guards you boys are.’

One of the guards blushed bashfully, but the other replied, ‘And what a pretty lady you are.’

Sauntering past them, Mary ran her finger down the guard’s chest and said, ‘That uniform is rather becoming on you. I bet it’d look even better on my bedroom floor.’

The guards giggled and turned to follow her.

While the guards were distracted, Peter and the disciples managed to roll the stone partway away from the tomb, and they sneaked in to rescue Jesus. Peter unlocked the freezer and unzipped the bag.

Shivering, Jesus stammered, ‘It’s… f-f-f-fucking freezing in here!’

‘Shh!’ warned Peter.

They wrapped him in a blanket and crept out of the tomb. Each disciple mounted his bike, but Jesus, too weak to pedal himself, had to ride in Peter’s basket.

Unfortunately, the guards heard the bikes clattering, jumped off Mary, and ran to sound the alarm. Pretty soon, dozens of angry Roman soldiers were chasing the disciples down the hill trying to shoot them with their walkie-talkies.

At the bottom of the hill, a group of soldiers had set up a roadblock, so Jesus pointed to a fork in the road, leading to the sheer drop of a cliff. Peter started to protest, but Jesus told him to have faith. So, he pulled to the right and led the disciples towards the cliff.

As they neared the edge, the bikes began to pick up speed, seemingly of their own accord. The disciples all gripped their handlebars with terror. The bikes hurtled off the edge of the cliff, but instead of falling, they flew!

The disciples cheered victoriously and all praised Jesus.

Hearing the noise, the Roman soldiers spun around just in time to see the bicycles flying past the silhouette of the crucified Easter Bunny up on Calvary.

‘Jesus Christ!’ they yelled.

Acts 1

6 When the disciples finally came to a stop, the sun had already set. They gathered around Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, are you going to restore the kingdom of Israel?’

7 He replied, ‘That is for me to know, and you to find out. 8 But after I’ve gone, you will preach my message to the world.’

After he’d said this, a spaceship sank through the clouds, lighting the sky like a disco ball.

Just then, a very out of breath Mary appeared and ran to Jesus. ‘I just wanted to say goodbye,’ she wheezed, kissing him on the nose.

As the spaceship landed, Peter approached Jesus and said, ‘Stay.’

Jesus pointed to Peter’s heart and replied, ‘I’ll be right here.’

Thaddaeus, who had been standing behind Peter, stepped forwards and said, ‘Lord, before you go, can you fix my haemorrhoids?’

The Lord looked at him and raised his finger, which lit up as if by magic. ‘Bend over, my son.’

‘Erm… on second thoughts…’

9 With that, Jesus stepped inside his spaceship and closed the door. The disciples gazed on in wonder as the craft ascended to the Heavens before their very eyes. 10 Suddenly, it accelerated, shooting a rainbow from its exhaust, signifying the promise that Jesus had made to them never to parody a Steven Spielberg movie ever again.

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