An Esau for Sore Eyes
Jacob had just caught up with his family again, when he saw Esau in the distance accompanied by 400 men.
‘Oh, shit!’ he cried. ‘I forgot about Esau and his army! I’m dead!’
2 Jacob told his wives and kids to run, took a big breath, and went out to meet Esau. 3 When Esau saw him coming, he came running towards him, so Jacob threw himself to the ground and lay there shivering. 4 But Esau picked him up and hugged him.
5 ‘Who were those people who scarpered as soon as they saw me?’ asked Esau.
‘They’re my wives and kids,’ replied Jacob.
‘Why did they run?’ wept Esau. ‘My skin has healed, my hair has grown back. I was just starting to get my self-esteem back, and now this!’
‘I’m sorry. We thought you were going to kill me.’
‘What?’ exclaimed Esau. ‘What kind of monster do you think I am?’
6 So, Jacob called for his family, and they came back to meet his brother. 7 They’d never seen a man quite so hairy, and they were sorely afraid, all except for Asher, who tried to pet him thinking he was some kind of overgrown dog.
8 ‘So, why did you send me a big sack of animals?’ asked Esau.
‘Well, I was hoping it would smooth things over between us,’ replied Jacob.
9 ‘And you thought a bag of animals would be the best way to do it? I mean, they’ve all been shitting and pissing in there, and they’ve all died from suffocation. At this point, it’s really just a big mess!’
10 ‘No, please take it!’ protested Jacob. ‘It would mean a lot to me. God has blessed me with so much, it’s only fair that I share some of my wealth with my dear brother.’
‘But I don’t want it…’ objected Esau scowling.
11 ‘No, no. You don’t have to thank me. The look on your face says it all.’
12 ‘O…k… Do you want my house and meet the missuses?’
13 ‘Yes, that sounds nice. But you go on ahead. 14 A lot of my sheep and cows have just given birth, and so they’re going to have to keep stopping to feed their young. I’ll catch up.’
15 ‘But how will you find my house?’ asked Esau puzzled. ‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave some of my men with you. They can show you where I live.’
‘No, it’s fine. I’m sure I’ll find it.’
16 So, Esau shrugged and headed back to Seir. 17 Meanwhile, Jacob went and built himself a farm, and he called the place Sucker, because he’d fooled his brother.
18 Then Jacob abandoned his farm and went off to Shechem in Canaan, where he set up camp outside of the city. 19 He liked his new camp so much that he bought it from the sons of some guy named Hamor. 20 To celebrate, he set up an altar and called it E-I-E-I-O in memory of his farm.