MisreadBible

MisreadBible

For I read the Bible through a lens, squinting - 1 Corinthians 13:12
Genesis > Joseph

The Enter-dus

Genesis 46

So, Israel set out to Goshen, taking with him all of his belongings despite being told not to by his sons. When he reached Beersheba, he decided to slaughter a bunch of his animals and call it a sacrifice.

2 Just then, God appeared to him and said, ‘Jacob! Jacob!’

‘Oh,’ replied Israel, ‘I see we’re back to calling me Jacob after changing my name twice already.’

3 ‘I am God, the God of your father!’ bellowed God.

‘Yes, I know,’ sighed Israel. ‘We’ve met before.’

‘Don’t be afraid to go down to Egypt!’

‘Well, I wasn’t until you just said that. Why, should I be afraid?’

4 ‘Don’t worry, little guy. I’ll go down to Egypt with you, and I’ll make sure you come back.’

‘Seriously, you’re scaring me right now!’ cried Israel. ‘Why do you need to accompany me? What’s going to happen?’

‘Joseph will put his hands on your eyes!’

‘What?’ exclaimed Israel. ‘Why would he do that?’

‘Because you’re going to die, Jacob,’ replied God matter-of-factly.

‘Oh, great!’ huffed Israel. ‘Now I’m not scared at all…’

‘Good, I don’t want you to be afraid,’ beamed God. Then he disappeared in a flash of light.

‘I was being sarcastic!’ shouted Israel. But it was too late.

5 So, Jacob left Beersheba, and Israel came too with his sons. 6 Earlier that day, they’d bundled all their wives, kids, livestock, and belonging into the back of the carts that Pharaoh had given them. 7 It was pretty cramped, especially considering that Pharaoh had told them not to bring their stuff with them and, so, had only sent carts big enough for their families. You try travelling to Egypt under a pile of sheep and goats!

8 These are the names of the sons of Israel who went to Egypt (except for Joseph's family who were already there, and Er and Onan who were dead):

Skip boring genealogy

28 After a while, they got lost, so Jacob sent Judah to ask for directions. 29 When they finally arrived in Goshen, Joseph came charging out on his chariot to meet them. He actually lived within walking distance, but he wanted to show off a bit. He dived off the chariot, executing a perfect tuck and roll, and landed on his father Israel. The two of them lay there in the street hugging and weeping, and nobody was sure if it was because they were hurt or because they were happy.

30 Israel said to Joseph, ‘Now that I’ve seen you, I want to die!’

‘What?’ exclaimed Joseph. ‘That’s a nice way to greet your son!’

‘No, I didn’t mean it that way,’ protested Israel. ‘I’m sorry, God told me I was going to die earlier today, and it kind of fucked me up.’

31 ‘O…k…’ replied Joseph. ‘Not sure what to do with that… Anyway.’ 32 He turned to his brothers. ‘I’m going to present you to Pharaoh. 33 Now, when he asks what you do for a living - he loves to ask inane questions - tell him you’re shepherds, because he absolutely hates them.’

‘Wait, what?’ shot Judah. ‘If he hates shepherds, why’s it a good idea to tell him that that’s what we are?’

34 ‘Oh, well, it’ll keep him out of your hair. He’s got a habit of just inviting himself into people’s houses and going through their shit. And the guy washes his hands with milk and honey, so all your stuff ends up being sticky. Seriously, trust me, tell him you’re shepherds.’

Genesis 47

So, Joseph brought his father and five of his brothers to Pharaoh, saying, ‘These are my father and brothers. 2 They came down from Canaan and now they’re in Goshen.’

‘I know they’re in Goshen. We’re in Goshen right now,’ scowled Pharaoh. 3 ‘Anyway, what do you guys do for a living?’

4 ‘Oh, we’re shepherds,’ replied the brothers.

5 Pharaoh’s scowl deepened. ‘Bloody sheep fuckers,’ he muttered under his breath. Then he looked over at Joseph and tried to pull his face into a smile. 6 ‘Since you are Joseph’s family and I respect him so much, I’ll let you settle here if you wish.’ Then he thought for a moment. ‘Hey, since you’re sheep fu… I mean shepherds, maybe you could tend my flocks!’ He turned to Joseph, ‘Are any of them competent?’

Joseph nodded.

7 ‘Excellent!’ declared Pharaoh. 8 Then he turned to Jacob and said, ‘How old are you?’

‘That’s a blood impertinent question!’ spat Jacob indignantly.

‘Just answer the fucking question,’ sneered Pharaoh. ‘I’m the Pharaoh, Ra damn it!’

9 ‘Well, the days of my pilgrimage have been difficult, and my fathers before me pilgrimaged even more than I did. There’s a long tradition of pilgrimaging in my family, ever since my great-grandfather Terah left Ur of the Chaldeans...’

Joseph interrupted Jacob’s waffling to say, ‘He’s 130.’

10 ‘You may go out from my presence,’ declared Pharaoh.

So, the brothers left.

11 Joseph gave his family land in the city of Rameses in Goshen, and provided them with enough food to feed them all. He even bought them presents and left goody bags on their porches.


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